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October 03, 2019

Drove to the outer edge of the city. Just trying to push against the limitations carved deep into me. I don’t know why it seems so hard, to go anywhere or to tolerate myself. But it’s hard every day. Seems like an inordinate amount of people connected to my life end up on TV while I’m trying to tell myself what seems like a lie, that I’m worthy of existing at all. I used to think that justice was built into the universe, and I always hear that if you work hard you can do it. But I don’t know where to start, every day is hard, and it doesn’t matter how hard it is, just seems like succeeding at anything isn’t a possibility for me. That seems kind of unjust, that you can suffer constantly, all the difficulty of hard work with crumbs in return, but that’s how it is. It’s like constant stressful busy work just to tolerate living. Doesn’t seem like there’s room for a reward beyond that.
Drove past the dorms where I slept with the blonde girl during a time that rapidly disappears into long ago. Turned before I went too close.
I used to be with women who weren’t good for me but they were there. Now they aren’t. It’s just me, and I think I’m less valued by society and women than I was back then.
Air is cold and comforting here. Each sound stands out here. Birds, an electric car pulling away, breeze blows through trees, waves in and out.
Been trying to make my room better. Working consistently now for the first time in years. Trying to get what I need, bed that isn’t lumpy, chair. Move the clutter radiating out from wherever I stand. Figure I need to work on something, but the foundations have been missing all my life, so trying to make my room foundational. Used to feel like I was wasting time if I wasn’t writing music, but I wasn’t taking care of the basics.
Finished Deus Ex: Mankind Divided last night. Inspirational. Soundtrack. Made me want to write music. Felt hope for a future where I do that. Don’t know if I’ll have kids because I don’t have anyone to do that with, and finding that is harder now. Had to sabotage my hope by denigrating people who work on music when they’re older. Shouldn’t denigrate building, though. We’re told to be ashamed for everything that doesn’t fit the narrow band of corporate interests. Life shouldn’t be built on shame that others teach us, it can’t be.
Still here, trying not to spiral out of control. Going to leave my car, walk in the cold, and drug myself.