March 11, 2019
01:31
Going back to work next month. I've been anxious since the last time, neglected a lot of things I know I should do. I'm just glad they're having me back. It's seasonal so I've been on unemployment since the last season, unsure of what happens next, but now I know what happens next.
I saw someone playing GTA V, and I continued it again after years of not playing it, like since 2015, I think. I think that's when I last played it for real. Maybe 2014, woweee.
I got suprisingly into it, like it's so rare. I resigned myself to staying in today, worked out the previous two days, walked my mom's dogs the previous two days. I hate going out sundays, somedays, and so I figured it's safe to stay in and do nothing. SO I was enjoying GTA in a way that I normally try to enjoy things, but then my mom's requests started pouring in, and it was like acetone on a doll or something, just disintegrating all of my personality, all of my autonomy, all of my enjoyment of anything.
I've been anxious about her new car, she's talking about driving across the state when she can barely get out of bed, and then she tells me how she fell on the deck stairs. She seems so fragile and fucked up and then she talks about being on the road with all the psychos who freak me out even when I'm ready for them, and she still requests that I go to the store for her, go to the store for her tomorrow morning before nine am if I can't do it today. I don't know if I'd prefer that she be honest and have this much trouble, or for her to be lying constantly in order to control me. I guess the latter but it still stresses me out
People just imagine games are something you sit down with and you're so into it and you're in a state of perpetual bliss. I think they think that anyway. But if I could accomplish that, it would be progress for me. It's strange to me that I once enjoyed my life, even with my anxieties. I was worried about the future but I could enjoy now, but now is gone. I could go into a fictional world, and really go there. When I play games now, I'm watching myself from the outside, observing myself trying to feel something. Sometimes I do. It's good when I do, but I always fear turning the next corner and being met with a vast oblivion. Like that Bauhaus song Silent Hedges, going to Hell again.
Don't want to go to goth club, don't have a career or a family. I'm not conservative now, but seeing how isolating my life has become has made me despise the whole popular narrative of be single forever, don't have kids, abort your babies because theyre not real, you're gonna be killing it with your new career, gender is nothing. I'd like if it was nothing, because then I could be this thing I am without being seen as less than. But it's not. Family isn't nothing. Building meaningful relationships isn't nothing. I still seek only momentary pleasures because I don't have anything built up. I respect pleasure as such, but nihilism has led nowhere good. My friends abandoned me, and now I'm left with myself, doing the things I did when they were my life, but going back to a solitary room filled with ants, in another family's house, filled with mold.
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