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August 27, 2016

My supervisor in this job is such a drag on every part of my day once I have to interact with him. I don't know where to go from there. But something about it magnifies all the intensity of whatever negative experiences I am having.

Aside from one day off I am on my eleventh day of working. Tomorrow will make it twelve.

They cut my hours to 16 a week but one employee is a liar and claims she is too depressed to work since her relative allegedly died.
I take the shifts because I need the backup for when I'm on my regular schedule.
In the meantime I've applied for unemployment and intend to fill extra days with Starbucks.

My friends girlfriend commented that they probably prefer someone who's On call and reliable then give the most hours to the people who don't show up. As a way around paying off some benefits or something.

I said that seems kind of slimy. She was like. Well u refused to request more hours so that's what happens

Which I did
I don't know if I want more hours here. I keep having dangerous situations. And I get depressed a lot on the job

But after that conversation.
I don't know
It seems like there are a lot of conversations end with someone brushing off my feelings as being my fault
And I don't know if they're right
But that feeling I have after talking to them is so much worse and pathetic than what I feel normally
Because I'm constantly trying to make myself likable in my mind.
And they say that and I'm just not likable. Based on that.

I'm bad. And lazy. And weak.

The girl contacted me a little. I can't talk to her unless j know what's going on romantically and sexually. That was the terms of us being together and it follows into any sort of conversation we might have. Because I'll let my imagination deteriorate me.

The boss here I hate his voice and I hate talking to him and I hate how accusatory he is and pushy. I worry I seemed like him to the girl

My v usage seems down but is still high.

It makes things tolerable. So does the clonazepam which I do have a prescription for.
But painkillers hit harder and deeper.

I think the most important big issue here is how blamed I feel when my issues come up. It seems like it's always my fault. Clearly. To other people.

It makes me wish each of my irrational or counterproductive choices had some sort of associated pathology. I don't want to be the reason for my own misery.

At least one more day after this. I look forward to the paycheck. I do wonder if there's a way to request more days that he isn't working. He is a big part of what makes the days drag on.
I'll try asking someone else who doesn't like him about that.

I try to make things better.
I might just fail.