August 26, 2016|
I'm on the clock so this absolutely needs to be quick. But I have so much to say. The message from her just sent me into a descent down a path of what happened this morning. Everything seems to resonate from my mom.
My mom still decides what happens to me
My moms actions led to my behavior which pushed the girl away.
My mom tried to stop me while I was using the kitchen. I said I need to get to work. She said
YOU NEED TO LISTEN TO ME
she doesn't like that i'm using the dog shit container to store the cups that I pissed him since I don't have access to a bathroom at night time. So I left and when I got into my car to prepare for the morning she threw a bag of tortilla chips that I left in the house at my car. Which is especially offensive and disturbing to me because she knows about my issues connected to OCD and the house and her so it was like a deliberate attack on that.
My issues with excessive compulsive disorder leave me vulnerable to criticism but also to attacks that seem innocuous from the outside but to me are as scary and dangerous as being punched.
I angrily threw the chips at one of her windows missing it and a container of Clorox also missing it which I'm glad about because I know she would not hesitate to call the police on me.
She said all this stuff about me doing things to make people afraid of me and stuff which is weird because she started throwing things at me.
I got really mad and said that she doesn't know anything and that she threw garbage at my house the only place that I have to live
Then she said the thing that disturbs me the most which is that it was my choice
That she didn't see herself as putting me in that situation she saw it like I just decided to live in my car
Became so angry I told her that she knows nothing about the economy and that she doesn't understand money and she doesn't understand the area and that she should go fuck herself
And I kind of regret saying that last thing and I also know that she can tell people I said that and all she has to do is say that I said that and I will be vilified more than I have been already
I see the impact of what she and my brother has done and how much it has put me into a state of panic and shock and desperation. To them my mental illnesses are things that make me dangerous to them but they are not to be considered when it comes to how much of a struggle it is for me to function normally and it is especially hard now it is a struggle just to survive in this area as a person who is not making hundreds of thousands of dollars a year
Most of this has been transcribed by voice so there maybe some idiosyncrasies but I tried my best
I wish the girl could love me through this awful situation that I'm experiencing but I just feel abandoned by my family and some on my phone really cared a great deal about me and her message to me just threw me back into that situation this morning
The girl was taken from me. And the girl let herself be taken. That is how I see it. That is how my mother can hurt me. Reminding me I'm nothing without her. The girl will leave if the mother decides. The girl left.
I have been listening to do androids dream of electric sheep and I think about how there is a version of reality that does reflect that but it's invisible to the people who aren't living i I have been listening to do androids dream of electric sheep and I think about how there is a version of reality that does reflect that but it's invisible to the people who aren't living it