October 12, 2015|
I was supposed to see someone yesterday who seems to have cut me off suddenly. I don't know where to go from here. What do I write? I had ideas. None of them are coming together now.
Everything good has left me.
I wish I wrote about her when I first talked to her, but I wanted to preserve it. It rotted in the refrigerator of my mind, and now I only have a pulpy mass to share with you. I should throw it away, but I'm hoping it will somehow find its original form again. So that it doesn't need to end like this.
I was supposed to see her yesterday, and I messaged her after work. No response. Hours passed. Maybe she fell asleep. Hours passed. Pain. Pain all over. A night passed. Morning. No messages. Pain continues. Unmotivated.
She flooded me with dopamine, and then apparently left me behind. She told me constantly she liked me. Why do people do that? It's even popular now. Boy tears, empowerment through abandoning people. That sort of thing.
I tend to avoid people who value such undeveloped principles.
But I am a casualty of something else.
I talk to my lucky plant, please, please, make things work with her, please make things better, please.
I met the girl at the pseudo school we both go to. In fact, I'd been following her around, desperately obsessed. Wishing I could talk to her, figuring I never would. And then we talked. She would call me many times in a day. Message me when I woke up. I think most people take those as warning signs.
To me, it was just good.
And then when we were supposed to see each other, she was gone.
When I first talked to her, she showed up in my class one day. Unexpected. I was so excited.
She had me high. She had me on the sort of high I get when it seems like there's something good around the corner. When there is a sun to wake up to. The high that tells you that the world is not so cruel, that there is life out there.
I felt like I had a future once. With this job training place. And it now feels like a horrible scam, a prison I'm trapped in because they want the government funds allocated for me. They told me it'd be one thing, and it's another thing. It's a disappointment. I left that old place, moved into this uncomfortable, crowded, bloated situation with my mother, figuring this class would help me get a job in four months time. But it's barely a class. It's basically a computer lab we get the privilege of using. We aren't even allowed to use the network with our own computers. I was ripped off because those funds could have been used for a better school. But they got my government allocated money, and now they don't want to let me leave.
My mother claims to be working on getting better. Then she goes to McDonald's and buys fifty dollars worth of breakfast food. It makes no sense. And each time I go to eat something, I take one of those things from the fridge, and I get fatter. Everything I worked for is gone.
By the day's end, I feel an emptiness through my entire body. Maybe it's from the pills, or the food, seeing my relevance farting away. Seeing my body grow more bloated and sickly. More undesirable. Why would that girl want me? Why would she be attracted to me? But she seemed to be. And then it's like she righted herself, maybe got enough affection out of me, so she could move on. I even held back, to protect my heart. Maybe I didn't hold back enough.