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October 14, 2015

When someone dies, people feel guilt over not doing enough. And they're reassured that suicidal people just kill themselves. That it doesn't matter how much you love them or try to help them. I've been thinking about that lately because sometimes ill have a gratifying experience. Generated by someone else. And I'll lose access or whatever. Ill lose access to that thing and go back to feeling lost, empty, depressed. And that thing people tell peopl to comfort them in the wake of a loss, it makes me wonder if no amount of these positive experiences can save me, that maybe ultimately, I'm engineered to end my life. Sorry for my typing. I, on iPad. I going to leave typos because trying to fix things feels outside the bounds of my functionality. I worked with someone in class who really helps me feel engaged and all thqt and it felt good, but then we went back to our regular teacher who knows nothing, and I feel lost again. And this girl I like. I felt like we liked each other. Now I don't feel that way. I'm really uncomfortable typing and the keyboard is super unresponsive so writing here isn't helping.. Ill try again another time