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August 14, 2011

Was debating whether or not to go to goth girl's party because she was kind of mean after I finally opened up to her about the time I went to one of her birthday events and she never knew I was there because she was too busy sucking face with someone.

Took klonopin which knocked me out for about two hours, woke up at around 23:00, decided to go. Prepared for spending the night, just in case. My instincts told me she liked me. My instincts told me she wanted me to be there, but I hate when my instincts are wrong. It's always humiliating. I debated this in my car, audibly. And then she texted at exactly midnight asking where I was. I didn't respond for two reasons: I like surprising people, and I figure it's good for her to worry just a little bit.

I actually figured maybe she waited until exactly midnight because of her personality. But I have no idea if she was as fixated on me as I was on her.

But anyway. Party was more or less lame. Mean girl was nice for some reason. Goth girl was drunk as fuck, kicked me out of room when bisexual guy was sleazing on her and there was some girl there, and I felt kind of disrespected, and then the guy I saw her making out with that one time was kind of having his hands on her, and then finally this other douchebag decided to start dancing with her while the mean girl and I were just sitting in the room. I considered leaving even though they were blocking the door. And then they started making out. I told mean girl, "This is creeping me out, so I'm going to go." And I said excuse me but they were oblivious so I grabbed her arm and moved it, and left.

I figured she might be hooking up on the side, which I knew was none of my business. I knew if I knew, it would hurt me. But to just throw it in my face like that, and to make me feel disrespected in some of the ways that she has made me feel disrespected, I can do better. I don't need to put myself at the mercy of this girl. It's too bad because I really wanted to see where it would go. It was nice to feel in love, but it was also stressful because I dreaded something like this happening, figuring it might.

I'm debating on how to handle it from now on. Do I act like everything's cool while staying away from her, do I tell her that I've felt disrespected and that's not cool, do I act like an angry silent dog?
I don't know. I drank tonight, and I drove home, and I felt sober. But maybe it was all the adrenaline. I'm just a little lost. Someone new gives me a sort of direction. But now I can't rely on her, I can't have those affectionate thoughts about her because she'll throw them back into my face, mangled and ugly. And I'm an idiot, because by kissing her, I temporarily made our friendship more than it was, at least to me. It seems like kissing doesn't mean a thing to her. And now that she's shown that notion to be disposable, I don't know how to be her friend again.
I don't want to be here and I don't want to be there. I don't know where I want to be.

it just seemed like everything was such a fucking competition, everybody competing to get her attention, and I think her drunk lady friend was saying how I'm not good enough for her but who fucking understands drunks or the bullshit they say. I'm not competitive for women, I don't want to be. Maybe if I had more confidence, I would be all about that, but I don't. I don't feel like competing to make a girl like me. Either you like what I have to offer or you don't. I don't feel like doing fucking handstands to make you come to my side of the room while the other guy's doing a handstand on a fucking ball.
Maybe I'm asking for some sort of loyalty, which I know is too much to ask of her. Even without the relationship component, it's stupidly obvious I liked her. Why the fuck would she even ask where I am when where I am doesn't matter since it won't make any sort of difference to her. She'll just keep plowing through partners.

I'm so mad at myself for thinking there was something there. I'm so mad at myself for doing that to my friendship, for putting a decent friendship in this fragile fucking place. Why the fuck did I do that. Oh yeah, because in the moment, it always felt right, it always felt comfortable, it always felt really nice, but as soon as I was alone, I would get the disturbances. I would get the anxiety. Now she's probably fucking whoever, and I'm writing in my online diary. This is who I am.