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August 12, 2011

Having such a hard time dealing today and no fucking idea why. Went to Apple Store to get my iPod shuffle looked at, turns out the charger is broken even though the shuffle still works. Felt depressed following that. Wondered if such a petty thing could make me feel so devastated.

Waited in a fast food line behind this caricature of an American. I let her go ahead of me because she was closer to it, because she was driving on the wrong side of the parking lot. Her stupid blubbery face said in the most exaggerated stupid way, "YEEEEEEEEAH, CAN I HAVE" which is something I always make fun of but I usually say "get" instead of "have". Her other thing was saying, "and I need, I need this", she kept saying she needs this shit. I hate the way people order at fast food places because I spend so much time there. I hate the type of people who eat in fucking drive throughs. And I'm one of them.
I actually decided to park my car and walk inside because she was taking so fucking long, and when I left, she was still at the window. I doubt she even noticed that her big pig order was so long that it drove me to leave. I doubt she saw that correlation because it'd require her to step out of her head, or her car, as it were.

I don't want to keep eating fast food, I want to stop, but I don't know how. I don't want this to be my life. I don't want to die at the altar of capitalism, I don't want to give my life to these corporations that see me the same way they see the cattle they slaughter. But I give it to them anyway.

I went jumping rope at the track and struggled to do anything because of how weak I felt and how much I had to urinate. I felt so upset and angry, and I went to Starbucks to work on music. No web work, it's been too hard to motivate myself, I worked on music for only fifteen minutes, and I feel like crying constantly today.

I think of what that goth girl said to me, that girl who seems way out of my league even though she always hooks up with urchins, about how she is kind of breaking her rule of getting with depressed unemployed people. That isn't the first time I've heard that. I thought of it as I was depressed, and it somewhat offends me that she said it. On one level, I just took it personally. On another, it showed how highly she thought of herself and how little she thought of me, because she sees herself as lifting these people out of their depressions and putting them on the right track, giving them helpful advice and so forth. But I've never taken her advice to heart because as insightful as it's sort of been, it hasn't been that insightful into ME. Her depression and life advice is as if Hallmark wrote get well soon cards for mental illnesses. Most of the advice she gives me is the no shit kind, and sometimes I just totally disagree with. Maybe she's right, or maybe she's wrong, but generally, I've appreciated her listening. I've appreciated her trying to understand me even if she doesn't. I've appreciated that she's looked past other people's judgments of me to find out who I am. Her advice, no that hasn't mattered to me. Her, as a person, being there, that has, and I have tried to be there for her as a gesture of mutual respect. But even though I have tried helping her out as well, she couldn't remember me ever giving her any sort of advice.
I laid in her bed with her two nights ago after a party. I thought she liked some other person more, and then I thought she was going to have sex with someone else, but I was the last person there. I tried to give her an easy out, asking if she was going to bed soon. As I sat on her couch, I mentioned how I always tend to leave places later than other people because I don't want to go home. "You sure that's the only reason" and I said yes because it was, sort of. I wasn't trying to fuck her. I guess I wanted to be with her, though. She said okay you can leave then, in this puckish sort of way that I interpreted as a challenge, and then again she made me fight to stay when she felt I disrespected her stories or whatever. Which might be manipulative and evil. It wouldn't surprise me, she wouldn't be the first manipulative and evil woman in my life. I will be optimistic by believing instead that she basically demanded respect and I am okay with that. But maybe I tell myself that because I like being with her so much.

The party was okay, two girls I'd had relations with, two I'd cuddled with, uncomfortable. I think the goth girl could tell there was a certain kind of energy between me and the azn. Good.

So anyway. I was there until 5 am, and I critiqued her somewhat, telling her I thought she was oblivious to advice because she thinks she's always right. I don't think she knows who I am. I think she sees me as a category, and I think her understanding me depends on how ready she is to have something new enter her life. Mostly there was kissing and stuff, and I'm sure almost, that I could have sex with her. but I'm fucking sick of that shit. I'd probably be bored with her afterwards, or my feelings would grow too big. I don't want to fuck her unless there's going to be more than fucking. She has hurt me all this time without knowing it. She seemed surprised when I mentioned how i felt as if I was on the sidelines all this time.

you know it's stupid. If i got with her a long time ago, if i made my stupid moves instead of waiting, she maybe wouldn't be having this phase of trying not to be with people like me. i mean, whatever the fuck. I don't demand much with fixing my life, be there for me, that's it. When i was upset today, I called a friend in New York, and I just said to him "i'm depressed" and he had to go but I said it was okay because i just wanted to talk to someone, just to have human contact. It didn't solve it, but it's all he could give me at the time, and that's all I asked. I didn't even want to talk about being depressed. I don't get these chicks and their Mother Theresa complexes. Don't they see how much of a burden it is to share our thoughts with them and then be told how those thoughts are destructive to them too? Do they think we just don't care?