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July 28, 2011

Dear, Dairy,
Last night I went to cute goth girl's house after everything else fell through. I didn't want to treat her like she was third place, but I kind of did. I didn't hear from a friend who said she would call me that day, and ing was being wishy washy about hanging out with me. I found out she (maybe?) broke up with her boyfriend later and wish I had been there to answer the phone when she called, but I figured it could wait.

So I kind of tricked the goth gurl. I offered to bring her Ghost Town since I had wanted to show it to her. She said she only wanted to watch if I watched it with her. I kind of presented the setup that way because I didn't want her to feel that I was just choosing her because everyone else declined. She's pretty and I don't know. She's not a third place kind of girl. I guess it was just the way the events fell into place that it came to that. I brought her chocolate. Goth gurl and I watched the movie, and at one point she was very nearly leaning against me. How exciting. Her roommate was there, too, but I tried to ignore him. I guess because he hasn't got a PUSSY.

But anyway. Gurl and I traded music between laptops, and we ended up on her bed, talking. And there was this feeling of subdued intimacy. I've never been one for making first moves, and she was even talking about being some what abstinent now. What a bad time to be like "hey gurl let me get it. Let me get that vulva". But I think it might have worked. We talked a lot about intimate details of our lives, mostly mine. Sometimes I felt like she was getting me all wrong, but her judgments seemed less severe than before, and I kind of believed her when she said she learned a lot about herself on her trip. She talked about how I use humor as a mask, which I don't know if I agree with. Either way I think my humor deserves more screen time than a simple mask designation. We talked about meds. We watched some of My So-Called Life, and she said we should get to sleep. And I don't know if she meant I should sleep with her, but I wasn't feeling well anyway. At some point in the night she mentioned having irritable bowel syndrome and that is when I felt closest to her. I was like, "wow, someone else whose stomach makes shitty sounds and feels like barfing all the time".

I left at about five a.m. I hugged her in a way I hadn't hugged someone, tried it out, a new way. I wrapped my arms around her entirely instead of just returning it. After we hugged, I felt a kiss between us, but it didn't happen.

Slept till not too late and met the azn drug girl from my classes, the one I always felt like was the only one I could see myself dating. In that department. We've never seen each other outside of school, but I met her there anyway. We "jammed" in front of the building, she on guitar and me on a little toy synthesizer. It sounds more obnoxious and pretentious than it actually was, I feel. We used the bathroom at the same time, our stomachs upset at the same time. I'm beginning to connect to people through my bowels instead of feeling pushed away by it. How disgusting and poetic.

We met her friend in the rich suburb down South. On our way there, she told me how cute goth girl said I'm hot and would totally date me, and I was kind of like "whoa" because she used to intimidate me so much with her cute gothness. I don't know where this came from. Azn gurl's friend was accompanied by this girl with, as Bill Cosby puts it, HUGE BOOBS. And I noticed them, but then when we got to the next rich people bar/restaurant, I noticed her face was kind of repulsive in a really sexy way. Like it had just the right elements of fuckability and approachability, and when she left and came back in a really tight top, I was just trying to make eye contact. Holy cow. But the azn girl has a nice chest too, so I wasn't feeling too bad about being distracted. I feel bad over lusting after other people usually if I have a friend with me. I have some fucked up twisted view of my libido, like it's a gift I give people. But it's probably nice not to be lusted after by me, since it's so common. And then the girl with HUGE BOOBS said she's seen Freddy Got Fingered like a million times, and I was like, holy cow. Let's somehow meet up again and do it. Oh man, that hurt.

anyway. Azn and I left, and I wasn't particularly missing the other people despite how intense my carnal desires were for that one broad. The other friend was kind of judgmental anyway. But nice enough. But still. But anyway, azn and I went to the animal shelter, but it was closed, and there were rabbits we could see. We went to the beach and we looked at things. I told her about Dark City, she talked about how she likes that our shadows grow so tall, I turned on an outside shower and showed her the marks the water made in itself, and I noticed then that the grass grew tall too. We looked over the ocean and she began to sing Glorious Dawn, and she said her hippy things that I don't totally identify with, but that eventually tie into things that I do identify with. We come from very different experiences, but they both meet up at a point in which we both acknowledge what is directly and vividly in front of us. What a beautiful girl. We walked alongside the ocean and as we walked, my guard went down further and further until I would just mention things about my mother. The trees were cast in a sharp golden light, the details of all the everything highlighted by the sun's decay. Exquisitely bright without being harsh. I jumped back when I saw a potato bug and she ran down the hill freaking out.

She walked to the edge of a tiny cliff, and I sat down next to her, she sat down next to me, pulled out her guitar and sang for me. Moments punctuated by commercial jetliners flying overhead. She was cold so I rubbed her back and she moved closer to me until I was holding her. I once mentioned to a friend how I could imagine losing myself in this girl's hair, and I wasn't quite lost, but I was there. She held my arm and we moved closer and listened to some music I had written. She thought it was beautiful, and we headed back. Talked about how maybe sometimes people we love are not necessarily good people. We kind of borderline trash talked some people. I told her about how I looked at the moon with a dog that didn't last long, that I loved.

She drove me back to my car and I played my song again for her as I drove around the houses. Wished each other a good night, I gave her a hug, my newfound hug. What a girl. Considered calling a friend but didn't. When I got off on my exit, a van went against a red light and just stopped in the intersection. The driver then swerving between lanes, a right turn on the main road, almost hitting other cars, and IIcalled 911 with no hesitation because IIwas so scared by his driving that it overrode any social fears IIhad. IItailed him into the next town where he stopped at a red light and then stayed stopped through a green light. Kept tailing him while telling the operator every intersection he was at, and when he drove onto the sidewalk and his hubcap went flying, that's when IIkind of lost my cool and was like "oh shit oh shit oh fuck" and then he was nearly running into parked cars, and that's when IIwas very scared, and IIfound out they got another call from someone, someone to take away my glory of preventing a death or something, and IIwatched the cops surround him and it was very very exciting, IIloved it. Then IIgot to come back and give a report. IIfelt sorry for the man, middle aged Asian man. But the consequences of what he was doing could have been so much worse for him. IIhope that he is able to find his way into a life in which he won't be doing anything like that again. IIhope he does get his license back, because his driving was so erratic that IIfigure he must be fucked as far as driving goes for at least the next year. No one wants to end up in that position, fucking pulled over by cops, barely able to pull over. The cop said the azn man almost hit him while they were pulling him over, and that he dozed off as he turned the corner. I'm sure my sympathy would be less if he hurt anyone. But IIdon't think he did. IIjust hope this event will help him instead of hurting him ultimately.