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January 08, 2011

I should stop being indoors

Okay, since I'm indoors. I'll just write.
If i can focus long enough
got a haricutfrom person i used to pork, feel disconnected.
got invited out, stood there awkwardly with someone else on the dance floor while male made out with female, felt like beta.
sat on the front lawn, combing dogs hair

dad told me he hoped he'd live to see me do what he thinks i'm capable of. i told him thats what worries me, that i won't finish anything in time. he told me he couldn't ask for more, in terms of where i am now. made me feel okay

talking to internet friend since 02 a lot lately since i've been indoors a lot and it makes me want to hug her

been just staying indoros a lot, masturbating a lot, playing games a lot, numb a lot. i want to work on music, but eh, it makes me nervous
compsotion makes me nervous, but i've not been too nervous to practice singing. going to try to join the colleges' opera workshop program
thinking about how i got screwed so badly when i was in musicianship ii a year ago is making me wish i stood up for myself, and said how things were totally fucked up. even if i didn't pass at least i'd have a chance at redemption. the teacher acted like such a tool, though, that i didn't want to stand up for myself
only one more chance to take it. my social network is stronger this time. i'll be taking it with some good people. i hope we can all support each other, as opposed to dwarfing or hovering over each other. i don't want to feel belittled by their talents.
i've also been doing a lot of ear training exercises at home, just the basic.s. intervals. nothing too elaborate. some reading. conducting and solfege.
got my moms' car's shocks fixed. on tuesday im going to get new tires thanks to pa.
i wish my mom would ask for a hug sometimes. too scared to ask. don't want to be touched but i also want to be hugged but i don't find myself able to express that.

guy who made out with my friend is cool and nice. to everyone. i noticed while i was dancing like an asshole, he was all sitting there being cool. not looking awkward like i do when i sit when everyone is dancing. i think he might be a pickup artist.
partially because one of his friends seemed to be one

i wish it was considered hot to be awkward and fat and really lame

i feel like i got some stuff going for me, but it doesn't come out in these kinds of social interactions. they all feel like job interviews. usually people don't get impressed by me until they give me a lot of chances. i think i have the ability to impress. but im also got the outer layer. i think that might be why i have this dual self hatred self aggrandization going on. layer 1 i hate. but i feel like layer 2 is so much better. shames me to admit that i think the latter about myself. i really think i'm destined for great things that are being denied to me by my outer parts. whether that is just a new generational sense of entitlement or truth or a sense of entitlement that i will make true, i still do not know, not even after all this time. i'm proud of the things i've done still, though.