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January 11, 2011

Had a nice talk with a friend who has remained somewhat elusive somehow. Like we seem like we should be really close, but we never do anything together. I still think of her as a relative newcomer in my life. I've been aware of her for a long time. She was the sound person at a college concert in which I performed, and she said nice things, and she contributed some of her work when we tabled at the comic book expo. And I hung out in a pool with her and her boyfriend and my other friend, and took spooky pictures with her. But we've never really been like cop buddies.
So we Skyped tonight, and I don't know. It feels like we are close in a way. We talked about our insecurities. I told her it's pretty cool that she has a job with a major technology company, but I guess it's temporary, and a lot of her successes are due to her parents kind of pushing her along. She still lives with her parents. So it was kind of nice, to relate to someone about fucked up stuff like that. I guess not fucked up, but insecure stuff. We talked about how when we try to talk and we're intimidated, how our words turn to jelly. I know a lot of people experience insecurity, but I don't get to talk to a lot of people about those things. At least, not in a way where we are both feeling the same.

I talked to another friend afterwards, the one I porked and who helps me sing, and she got so mad at me for kind of challenging her singing advice. She basically told me off. I felt like I was being kind of flippant, but not in a mean manner, but she took it that way, and turned even more vicious. I basically ended the conversation with questioning why she talks to me since she apparently can't stand me, and how I'm confused by the song and dance.
She thought that my aggravating her is a way for me to take control of conversations, but I don't feel in control at all when she gets aggravated. She was really mean.
My fucking backup hard drive is acting up again which worries me because I have to replace this computer with another one. And I need to know I have a stable backup if I swap these computers, ugh. The hard drive keeps unmounting. Fuck. So maddening. It's a Lacie. It's a loud metal piece of shit. Should have gotten Western Digital.
Mom showed me a car insurance bill, and it's so much fucking money, I can't pay it. What the fuck.

I now have my disability checks going directly to my bank account instead of hers. I intend to write her a check for mortgage/internet/utilities, but I can't afford much more on top of that. I don't know why it's so much.

So. My dad is getting me new tires tomorrow. I'm going to ask if he can help me get a new hard drive, too.
I've been applying for jobs, too.
Not in an aggressive manner, but it's better than I've done before.
I've been posting my photography online, and it gets reblogged and shit, and I post funny things and people like it. Tumblr makes it really easy for people to say they like your stuff, so it's like a love overload.

At night, I feel most at peace. I'm still too anxious to work on composing music right now, but I find it much easier to relax and do some sight reading or whatever. Sometimes, I wish it was always night.

I saw a dead man under a train a while back. I wrote about him. What I wrote is a little too flowery, a little too daft, but I wrote it on the spot.
so whatever
A sequence of lights lifts the remnants of life
A body mostly intact but lacking a mind
A cavalcade of living gather to watch the dead
To witness the chance that allowed them to live
a man in a mustache sees it as a chance to talk
and every one, all the trains, save for one
See it as a chance to move on.

A crackle
A bald man with balloon animals
The deceased has joined the rest
Who succumbed eventually
To inevitability
so will we.