June 14, 2010|
It has recently occurred to me that maybe my problems, maybe I'm more mentally messed up than I realized before. I feel like, for the most part, I seem normal, if creepy and weird and stuff. I'm self-aware. I have a social life. I feel like my problems, though, the ones that keep me from moving forward, are huge. I think people expect me to be normal, or they expect my motivations to be the same, I seem like I don't work because I'm lazy, or I don't do music because I'm not a musician, or I don't do anything because I don't want to.
I guess I started thinking about this when my friends kept inviting me out, and my inclination is always to stay in. It's not because I like staying in, but it just seems easier.
My mind, like my muscle, has grown progressively stiffer. It used to be that I struggled to make music, but lately everything else is becoming more of a struggle. Making decisions. Writing an e-mail. Going outside.
My appearance outwardly is pretty regular. I don't wear helmets or drool all over myself or have divergent eyes. Nonetheless, I am growing weaker and less motivated to do anything, even basic things.
It occurred to me after watching The Devil and Daniel Johnston. He is fortunate in that he has some kind of release. The world acknowledges him as a genius, as a talent. He still struggles, though. Or it was reading an article about Epic Beard Man that made me think, too. I see how at 62, he feels lost and incapable of holding onto life.
I thought things would come together one day. I thought if I stuck around long enough, that my talents would float to the surface and I would be wonderful. But I've just grown more critical, more ashamed, older. This is a time release society, and if I don't succeed at certain goals by a certain point, I feel like I am marginalized, even if that is not the case. But that's how I feel.
Last semester, it all fell apart more than before. My sense of structure became further fractured when I felt like all I had to do was in a chain, and that if I didn't do one thing, I could not do the other, so I have now found myself further paralyzed when I struggle to do one thing. I sit around, wait for it to happen, and I do nothing. I failed two classes.
One of the reasons music appeals to me is because I want to relate to people, and I have difficulty doing that through a social life, through talking to them.
A few nights ago, I was invited to someone's house. They were both stoned and drunk or something, and were chilling in a 10' inflatable pool in the backward with a laptop playing droney deathrock/punk, and I sat there for a while eating nachos before deciding to join in despite my self-consciousness. And it was really fun. Really, really fun. Earlier that day, too, I was talking to a friend about how I would like to get to know one of the people from the pool, so that was nice. She is on a path to find enlightenment, and she struggles, but she is talented and smart and sympathetic to bugs.
the next day, a friend invited me out again, and I stayed in, because it was safer.
My closest friend is in love with her teacher, and it has been hard on me because she is so enamored. She doesn't find me attractive, and I want her to because she knows me better than anyone, and it seems kind of like a mean trick, to have someone who can support me so much, but will never describe me the way she describe her teacher. Because I really have issues about my appearance. I feel like the ugliest person in the world wherever I go. If I really like someone from afar, I think they will never like me because I am ugly. She tells me she does not think I am ugly, but she doesn't find me attractive, either. It makes me feel bad.
And then she is always updating her twitter and stuff to talk about him, and she tells me about all these newly developed feelings she never knew she had, and I just feel like dying.
If the person closest to me doesn't think I'm pretty, then who can.
I have been fucking around with someone who has a fiance. Usually if I do that sort of thing, there's some justification, like if he hit her or cheated on her or something, but I don't think that's the case here. Think I'm just a shitty person.
I think it's coming to an end anyway.
I don't think there are too many good reasons to cheat, though. If the reasoning is good enough for cheating, it's good enough for breaking up. Maybe it isn't my place to judge that, though.
I think a girlfriend would be good for me. There is a girl from school who is the closest I think about, to the type I'd like to have as a girlfriend, not necessarily because of her personality. She is just the one I think about when I think of who I'd like to cuddle in this world. I don't know her too well. She is into gothy music. One time in a class, I was talking to my friend when I noticed the girl looking over at me, so I looked at her, did some stupid motion to acknowledge her looking at me, but she wouldn't stop. And then we were looking at each other until she turned away, and it was the coolest, most mysterious thing ever. I have no idea why she did it, maybe to tell me I was being too annoying, or maybe because she was thinking "I wanna cuddle you now, NOW". Either way it was exciting.
Another time I made some joke, and she looked at me again, and when I looked at her, I expected some kind of acknowledgement but she just turned away. It confused me, but I enjoyed the ambiguity.
There is a crane fly who seems drunk off a cap of Mexican Coca-Cola residue