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September 22, 2009

So I obsessively check her dairy. Like all the time, so that I know when she updates immediately, without any assistance from buddy lists or whatnot.
and we got into it a bit tonight, and I told her some things, and she told me she wouldn't take responsibility for my feelings, and I said how annoying it was, how annoying, that she keeps throwing that line in my face while still taking responsibility for his emotions. and then I blocked her.

and then I reloaded her dairy, refusing to finish my Lucky Charms until I saw it, and her followup, which read in part:

You just criticize criticize criticize. Jeez.

Which I don't really find funny, but there is a sort of humor in it. I can see that much. How it's kind of like a big messy hurricane of emotions dwindled down to this trickle where it's all simple and split into antagonist/protagonist.

I think it would have really upset me before, and I suppose it does to a degree still, but I am not surprised by it anymore.

I am somewhat surprised by her followup where she says didn't mean when she said she wanted me to walk in her shoes. I don't know if she said she lied out of anger, or if she just flagrantly lies that much. Though I wouldn't be surprised by either scenario.

I feel like for the first time, if things just end like this, in this sad fizzle where she thinks I'm such an asshole and misunderstands everything I say, I don't really care. I used to want some closure, or i never really wanted anything to end. I guess I still want her to understand. I still do. So maybe I do care, but I think I can sort of accept it. If that's all there is. An inability to communicate. a picture of me the monster.

it is kind of foreign to me. this is odd. i don't know if i am just scarred, so i am temporarily numbed.
i guess if she's got it all wrong, then i can deal with that. i don't need to keep trying. i know some people read this, so maybe they've got it figured out. maybe someone does.

if we die, i once rationalized, if we die truly, so that we don't perceive reality anymore, so we are incapable. so we are just recycled into the ground. then i think it is enough that existence goes on, even if we are not able to be aware of it.