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September 22, 2009

today everyone stunk. everyone yawning and breathing with their mouths open. disgusting. i looked forward to getting home so that i could escape their smells. the house smells of excrement.
as i walked to my car from school today, i thought of how i think i need relationships or at least intimacy. and not in the codependent sense. i think codependence is a result of that need, but i think it's a real need that isn't to be gotten rid of.
because. because i thought of it. i think. i think it might be real trauma i have experienced but it has been a slow moving trauma, so it's harder for me to accept. it's hard for me to think it's ok for me to be traumatized. and that physical intimacy is so important
i've spent 13 years, about, having my world closed in around me. it began with not being able to sit in the car's front seat, and then it escalated, moving to other cars, then to the house, to where nothing is clean. to where i must . do things a certain way. to be safe. uncorrupted. to where no one can come here. how i cannot leave without planning. how there are two distinct worlds i awkwardly move between. need to shower first. can't shower first thing in the morning. need to commit to going out. can't leave on a whim.
and there is the ever present fear, that anyone i say anything to will insult me to my face, so i don't say anything, avoiding eye contact, avoiding conversations, to the point where i cannot have a normal conversation because i'm dangling over their insults below. trying not to drop
and then she tells me i don't have feelings. or she talks about how she's a cute asian girl, and how she doesn't understand why i'm not so sociable, and having such a hard time recovering from her lying and everything else
and it's because our relationship has become like a gruesome practical joke. it seems almost calculated by god to humiliate and discourage me. because the distance between us grows incrementally. and each time it seems to be at its maximum, it grows even more all because this guy found something new to be unsatisfied about. so she must satisfy him. i am a lamb of god
so she used sex as a bargaining tool, by giving it to him, and taking it from me. because she treats human beings as binary. one must be a zero for another to be a one.
then she took my presence in her house to naught, giving him one
and then she turned our plans to zero, giving him one by taking them from me
then she took seeing me away
then she took emotional availability, making it zero, giving him one.
she took away making music with me
then when someone from school reported that he saw her with me, she took that physicalness away, giving him another one, making me zero

i blocked her from contacting me, the only dignified thing i've done. and she called it petty.

and so, to someone, who cannot have friends over, who once fantasized just about playing video games with other people...
it is all a cruel practical joke to me. it is why i view our friendship in such a way. it is why i am so cynical about it. i know she cannot understand unless she wakes up one morning to find that the past thirteen years have been spent in isolation, that nothing in her house is clean anymore, that her only safe spots are in a cabinet and on a desk and on her bed and that is it. that she has spent these years in that house alone with her mom, but utterly incapable of being close to her for a fear that she can't describe. i would like to see her wake up one morning and be unable to do anything within her house so she can understand a small part of what it is like. i would like her to have no choice over whether it is he or me who spends the night, and it will just be no one. i would like her to be stuck with an old mattress that she can't replace because of how complicated the procedure would be, to keep her clean. i would like her to never feel like a cute asian girl, i would like every conversation she has to be spent in her head, preoccupied with how the other person sees her, acutely aware of every bit of fat on her body, the shape of her profile, her blemishes, whether her midriff is showing, whether she looks like an old creep. i would like her to feel as if every person she meets is on the verge of mocking her unrelentingly.
i would like her life to become the zero that mine is, and then i would like someone to come into her life and reduce it even more so that she can know, and really, really know. and never forget.
i'd like to see if she can live through it. i haven't.

this morning was very nice. i met a cougar on my walk with the dog. we talked dog talk, and she was one of the most easy people to talk to that i've ever met
and that was a happy thing for me. for all the aforementioned reasons.

and then i saw someone else i don't know and felt at ease.

i lost my ease at school again

maybe im too old for school. but i still haven't reached my goals.

this day gets a 4 out of 10. or maybe it's a binary day.
could have two ratings

i wrote a poem for my creative writing class. going to present it tomorrow. i never write poetry, but it came somewhat naturally, but a part of me felt like a fraud for it because poetry doesn't seem natural. i couldn't tell when i was just reciting what other people did, and actually being heartfelt. i don't think it's worth worrying over.

i like creative writing class. because i get to speak and it is safer than conversation