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May 28, 2009

Dear dairy,
I have been off Strattera for a while because I hate drugs and don't want to be on drugs. I've noticed I've been more focused and productive lately, but I don't know if it's from the residual effects of the drug or something else. I am also noticing that I take things more personally and get hurt more easily. I am trying to overlook these things, but it is harder right now.

Today, I read a sentence about how successful, attractive people are constantly hit on, and I just kept reading that sentence over and over, trying not to feel the cognitive dissonance where I don't want to accept that I am unsuccessful and ugly.

I don't know how it happened, but I implied v wants two relationships, and she then casually said why she couldn't/wouldn't be in a relationship with me, a few of the reasons that she included were money and how it probably isn't in my near future, and I don't really remember much else. I just remember feeling horrible, like all that cognitive dissonance came together to form a consonance where I had no choice but to accept what has been put in front of me. It felt like I'd been penetrated through my heart, made me feel unsuccessful, unserious, unanything, and like any progress I've made means nothing to anyone.

I tried to overlook it, but I just wanted to be rid of her after that because of how it made me feel. And I know I shouldn't let anyone let me feel like that, because I will never measure up to my own standards if I'm concerned with other people's, and I know I shouldn't take what other people say so seriously, as if it can end my life, because it is not like her level of success is far beyond mine, but I guess his is? I don't like to compare myself to other people because I feel I always come out on the bottom. Second tier forever.

And that is dumb. And that is dumb. And I know nothing will be in my near future if I let these things affect me so much, and if I keep hating myself by letting what other people say determine that. I can't let that determine how I feel, but after she left, I felt that feeling where it felt like I was going to cry, but I didn't. It stayed beneath the surface, like most of the time.

My heart and my sense of self worth is coated in the words of others, and it is held tight tight tight, and if I let it be choked, I will lose another ten years of my life. I need to believe in myself because I feel like most people don't, like most people can't, like why should they. But I need to. I need to believe in myself, and follow my heart so that I see only it.