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March 20, 2009

Began preparing last week for a Classical music exam today. On Monday we took a faux exam to assess how well we would do. I didn't do well, so every day since, I've been preparing, been absorbing the 22 songs and their features, annotating their sheet music, and feeling generally tired. Prior to this, I had never encountered such a class, one that I couldn't just get through, except maybe the math classes I failed. But this time I really had to try, because the exam required that I put in the time, and know every piece of music. As of last night, it seemed impossible. As of today, it seemed like everything changed because I was able to recognize all the music, even the sheet music, though if the key signature wasn't printed I wouldn't have a chance.

I feel like by taking this class, I've become more of a musician than I ever was on my way to get my AA, and I feel sort of cheated that I was never pushed to work that hard for any other class.
After school today, I went to my ex's work to eat food there, and I just sort of sat huddled up eating like a vagrant, and I felt progressively more depressed there even though I didn't seem to feel any way in particular. Just felt sadness, and then she walked me out and hugged me, twice, and i felt like i had nothing to do, and no purpose, and I was going off into the world alone. I'm just a flesh being, walking away from her, and then I begin to cry because I don't know why, and I go to the mall to read my music book because there's nothing else for me to do because Spring Break has begun, and the place I was going to read the book is closed. Usually I'd be trying to find excuse to go home and relax, but it became so ingrained in me to keep working, that I felt like I couldn't stop. But the place is closed, so I go home, and I feel so exhausted and beaten down that I feel like I can barely accelerate my car.