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March 04, 2009

Dear dairy,
I am off wellbutrin because it made my skin change color and get spotty.

Wellbutrin tended to make me hyper focused, but at the same time, everything felt dirty and wrong. It made me feel like I was really behind all my goals, which I suppose is true in some ways. It also made me feel like all my goals are stupid and wrong and covered in slime. Everything seemed mediocre and lame and filthy and grimy.

I began to lose weight on the drug, and sometimes I forgot to eat for the whole day. I used to like to feel hungry sometimes, but in recent years, I hate being without food in my belly, so I overeat. On Wellbutrin, I enjoyed the feeling of leanness, so I ate less, and I was less hungry from the drug anyway.

While on Wellbutrin, I learned to enjoy working on music and studying. I also began practicing piano every day. About all I've carried over into my non-druggedness is the piano practice. I like doing the scales. I need more exercises, though, so I can do more than scales.

I've felt very lonely at the school. Like a perpetual outsider, like a perpetual teenager, and it is hurtful how I always feel inadequate, like a pale imitation of people better than me. Like an outsider, unable to choose or get into a major. Never really fitting into any role except that of nobody. There is a quote from Charles Manson that bounces around my head sometimes: "I'm nothing. I'm nobody." and he whispers it in this hushed tone, and it resonates with me. I think that people who participate in what he participated in don't deserve to be credited or admired, but he is charismatic and has a way of speaking that is outside any boundaries that we take for granted.

Someone from one of my classes at my old school is in the choir at my new school, and after class she touched my arm and smiled and said hello, and my friends and I used to think she hated me for being obnoxious, so it was kind of nice to be acknowledged in that way. I think I've been becoming more familiar with people at the school, and that has been really great. There is one guy there who I talk to a lot, and he seems to be one of the most earnest people I've ever met. I really respect people who are like that, who don't feel a need to make up for anything, to be sarcastic, to try to put up a front to protect themselves.

I got IMed by a girl I talked to really briefly a while ago, and she is way younger than me, and she wants to meet me, and I am going to meet her. I don't know how I keep getting into these things with really young people, but I'm hoping it doesn't turn into a romantic/frustrating relationship or whatever, because I want to be done with relationships with people who are younger than me because they are too much to handle. But I really want a reason to leave my house again, so I'm glad she contacted me, and I'm glad to have a reason to leave the house. Lately, I don't even want to do anything in my town because everything reminds me of my ex. I drive in the lower part of my town, and it is like hands dragging me down into the murkiness of that relationship, and all the lack of resolution/closure, and it all hurts a lot. And all I'm reminded of when I drive around is how she's with someone else, and everything reminds me of her, and I feel very empty and upset as I drive through the town.

So I hope to drive around town with someone else now, someone who seems like she is kind of lonely, too, and hopefully it won't be that lame fickle teenage thing. The ex is gone with someone else, my friend moved to the other coast, and I could really use a friend. I am looking forward to leaving the house for something that isn't school, a doctor's appointment, or whatever. I have been leaving to go to the city once in a while, but it'd be really nice to go out again, during the day, and just be.

one thing i've discovered that i like about younger people is how they don't take the world for granted as much as older people do. their willingness to question everything can sometimes manifest itself in stupid ways, like by raging against things blindly, but it also allows me the opportunity to be funny in the way i like being funny, making fun of things that other people my age tend to just not see in the way i see them. I was talking to her about driving, and I said how I don't like to drive too far because, and this is where i went into this ridiculous mocking tone, "the economy, you know the economy it's really bad and the gas" i don't know. I don't know what I said exactly, but she laughed at it, and I could imagine a lot of older people would not laugh because that has more or less become their world, and it is not worthy of mockery. And I understand that it's their world, and it's my world, too, and i don't want to be mean about it, but I also like deconstructing things in humor, and that;s just how i am, and it's frustrating when people don't get that. i don't even know if that's true. maybe i made it up

I'm starting a new medication tomorrow. It takes about a month to go into effect.

I have really grown to like my iPod touch now that i've learned to work around and deal with a lot of its limitations. the iPod touch is a gift from my ex, and my friend helped me buy it, too. the back is scratched, but i like it

Lately i've been late to school and haven't been working. i keep telling myself the next day will be different, but it never is.

i love piano

i have been working on singing more, with no particular goal in sight. just doing it for the sake of improving. it is a nice thing, though, and goals have materialized without planning. i can sing along to more music now, i'm able to go to higher pitches without going into little false voice sometimes, and it is generally more enjoyable to sing.