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March 08, 2007

I have to go to sleep. so i'll be doing that.

I was up till 5 am.

There is a man I see laying in a hospital bed when I go there, I go almost every day. He's usually lying back and he looks alone and sad and I don't know what to do if I should bring him a card or just leave him alone and just observe him or what I should do.

I'm at the hospital a lot. I don't know anyone's story, but I imagine a lot of them are seeing people who are dying or going through life altering stuff. And I see those people in their hospital rooms, vulnerable and laying back and there is a huge drama about it. About death. About sickness. Suffering. And it is this big peak in these people's lives, but it is something that goes on and on every day. It makes me feel sad. I wish I could take all this pain away. I wish we could be so connected between life and death and no I don't really know what it is I wish for.

This is the way of the world, and I suppose it should just inspire compassion in everyone.

The house that burned down and took some lives with it is now the most idyllic on the block. It even has a white picket fence. No other house around here has that.

We see opportunities in the trail of pain to make something better. It is nice, to see these new things, but it saddens me to know that the past is covered up, too. Life goes on. The frequencies eventually so high that it's just a single line. And life goes on.

so i was up until 5 am. playing with my friend. in a bar, then at her friend's house. and i played quake 4.

I will talk about my friend a little. I think she feels life out and doesn't see very far. She moves from place to place like a firefly bursting out bright lights and certain intervals to keep her from plummeting completely
I think she's also extremely smart, and I think this intelligence or the expression thereof is a result of her being so unrestrained. Her beliefs cannot be backed up by preconceived notions or how she thinks she should feel. when she justifies an opinion, it is because of a belief in what she's saying as opposed to what she believes she should believe. it's always enjoyable to hear her make a point, even when she's disagreeing with me. even if she misunderstands something i say. because her points are so well articulated and real

i like my life right now in terms of who i'm around and stuff. and i'm working to make it better. i still get sad

I hate myself for really stupid reasons. I would never let a person's job description or weight issues determine whether or not I consider him "good". but I do it to myself. I've been trying to stop that. I do admirable things, too. I do bad things, too, but not enough to justifably incur my hatred.

I need to be a nicer person, I suppose.

i'm trying to remind myself things aren't too good to be true. if things seem good, i shouldn't keep asking what's wrong in the situation. if there is something wrong, i'll discover it. if not, i don't need to constantly concern myself with the thought.