June 28, 2006|
I met someone, who I think is beautiful, not perfect. And neither am I. We share this darkness and inadequacy between us. And it's ours.
I talked to her a long time before we met, and I guess it's been a lot of time. And sometimes–prior to our meeting–I'd start to feel like I felt too much for her, and felt it was cheesy to feel too much for what is really more like a penpal, than a real life friend. And I still do feel that way. That there are feelings, and there is confusion.
But we met, and I think she's so great. And that makes me so scared that she'll hurt me so much. And I get so paranoid. And so. so so.
I found a rose she gave me. It got lost in my bag, and now it sort of resembles a chocolate bar that was left out too long in the sun.
And it occurred to me that it doesn't matter what she does or doesn't do because my fears and insecurities can melt flowers. I don't need that. No one does. I wish I could put them away.
Laughing with her, and just being around her was amazing. And now I don't know what it is. It's like everything's been put on pause for distance's sake.
I dropped in to a yoga class tonight and worked very hard. At the end, I felt so relieved, and so unstressed. Just worked out and focused and relaxed.
I bought a swank wallet, too.
I talked to her on the phone, too. And then I was upset on the phone, but I felt better when I had gotten off, for talking to her.
Strange clouds remind me of how alien our planet really is, and how we just live here.