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March 02, 2005

This is going to read like a spot spot listing, fragmented, listing.

Today I was around where I saw my gal thing before. I saw a girl who slightly resembled her and figured it must have been my mind playing tricks on me, that it wasn't her.

I'm receiving a lot of stupid ims right now.

So I was sort of bummed out that it wasn't her. So I stood and waited for the log-in/log-out machine to free up so I could use. it.

Two silhouettes down the hall. It's not her. But it is.

It was. And I stood against the wall and my mind was still. My lip quivered out of nervousness. she's not so great looking
but my lip kept quivering anyway.
she looks mean, not nice. who wants a mean girl
but it kept quivering.

Afterward, I felt sad that I didn't seem to feel the same way as I did before. But it occurred to me that I was probably dealing with the same anti-climactic climax one experiences when they first play a new video game. The awesomnesss doesn't settle in until one becomes properly entwined in the experience. I can already feel my heart rebuilding layers upon itself. I don't want to feel that way but I do. I want a chance to see what could be. But I also don't want to deal with the anxiety of exploring the possibility. What if she is mean? She looked and sounded mean. Her friend commented on how she is heartless. If this Melissa girl has heartless friends, is she MEAN?

But the last time I talked to her, she was so nice. And it's surprising because I give off the vibe of a fucked up person who writes in their Internet dairy about some stalkee girl. She must have felt that and known. But she was nice anyway. She must be nice.