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The Wasted Parts
October 5, 2022 •
21.43.24
October 5, 2022
Revised May 5, 2024
Being too dark and depressing to my friend's small talk. Feels pointless trying to do anything right. Ever since she talked to me about myself months back I have hyperfixated on everything being my fault. Now I also find it's possible to weird her out, make her uncomfortable, creep her out, get on her nerves just like any other chick. So I'm reliving my embarrassing moments from trying to be normal in college, this time with someone who knows everything. So now I blew that too and it seems impossible to get that feeling I liked when I was excited to know her. Probably too excited. Probably too freakish. Annoying. Weird. Creepy. My excitement over her gift is gone. I think anything I write to her that is emotional or excited will just be used by to put more distance between us because it makes me sound fucking crazy. I got too comfortable with being honest because I thought I couldn't ruin everything. The more things I put in that box, the more I gave her to find wrong with me, the more she'll keep me away. Feel like I'm all the wasted parts of this life, the leftovers from the possible lives that were cut out from all the potential outcomes in my previous lives. Like the leftover paper parts from paper dolls, everything ending up in the shredder anyway.
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