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December 15, 2021
I was going to pick up painkillers for the dog after work but my mom called to tell me it's time to say goodbye instead and I just took her word for it because she's always had the final say.

Theres so much I want to say, but it all feels so messy and my limbs feel like they're falling off.

He had trouble moving his back legs when I showed up but he was able to get up which surprised me.

When I got him to move enough to load him onto the truck, he wanted to go for a walk. So I took him around to some bushes. He always wants to walk, even if he can barely walk. He still had life in him. He's probably gone now.

So I led him to this box in the truck and it felt so wrong as soon as the hot latina closed the door on him.

I thought it was all up to my mom but everything was too much. I realized I took this dog as my own and at the last minute I gave him back to her because I forgot how much her decisions have destroyed me over the years, and she had him loaded onto a truck and I led him there because I figured I could at least be there as long as I can. But the Humane Society doesnt let people be with their animals in their final moments. probably covid related and created by some balding white guy with pronouns in his office e-mail signatures with too much power and no one to call him what he is. I hate this state.

I was overwhelmed after my dog was gone. Feeling Like I just LIED to him. and everything i did to help him was just SHIT. and i didnt want to make that decision but cooperating with my mom instead of saying no, that he needs to die at home, not in an office. just like every other fucking thing in my life i didnt know i had any say because im always told i know so little.

even though i never would have made that decision i hope it was the right one in spite of it because i feel like i betrayed him and took his last walks away from him so he could be fucking killed

i felt like a piece of me was carved out. like by doing her bidding once again.

driving around the neighborhood and every good thing, every thing that makes me look forward to another day, is all mapped onto him. thinking of walking with him.

feel like i cant live with myself if that was the wrong thing to do. he seemed at ease but i don't know. i hope so. i couldn't see him through the door

i have so mu h regret. so much guilt. i didnt realize how demonic i would feel to lead him to the truck.

i wish there was a way for him to be here with me right now. so he could know i never would have done anything like that if it seemed like it would be bad for him. i thought i didnt have a choice. maybe it was the right thing to do. but i feel so wrong so evil and i didnt expect to feel so destroyed by my mother, once again

everything good here is mapped onto him. i hope there is peace for him. a peace and higher purer spiritually that goes into eternity. ive never believed in anything but evil, but i prayed for him, feeling selfish and ridiculous, like a little gremlin asking for favors.

i wish i didn't feel like such a piece of shit. the loss ive felt loss before. never felt like i was coerced into an evil act

Rest in peace, friend