November 21, 2021
Too much time on Twitter today. I hate all of these people.
I have a hard time feeling any sense of stability or peace because I went directly to the company with my protests about their overreaching vaccine mandate and I just feel like I've lost as soon as I protest anything. I think they should be ashamed, not me. I just wish I could maintain my sense of righteousness so I don't feel scared the rest of the time. I feel like I'm always about to be in big trouble for just wanting a private medical record.
Listening to videos about cryptobots and one about stock trading starts playing and I try to glean some info from it, and I do, but the whole time my thoughts are swarming with an ever-thickening cloud of her. Thinking of how inadequate I felt as she made friends at her house, learning about stocks from one of them, never being sure about if I was being cheated on even when I'd get a direct response from her. And I don't want to ask other people because it seems like the answer is always the pessimistic one. Thinking of a video of a woman who can't believe he'd dare accuse her of cheating, totally believable, while the other person is nearby. I could handle it if I just had the truth. If I knew, I could have just left and been really hurt, but I could leave. I did leave, then I allowed myself to come back and then got seduced into holding a bag of nothing. I haven't left, and the pain and suspicion and uncertainty, inadequacy just grows the more time that passes. Like I was robbed of something I fundamentally needed to breathe and it doesn't get easier and I just keep being smothered by emptiness while she moves on and fucks I don't know who. The more time passes the more alone I am and the more possibilities I envision of her being touched by people I see as all superior to me, and it doesn't feel good. Regardless of what the weird Reddit porn forums tell you.
I wish I had some stability right now. I think I was right to protest and I will be vindicated. Maybe I need to write that down frequently throughout the day. When I'm alone and not listening to anything, I just feel like I embarrass myself by even trying. I will be vindicated. I will live.
The night falls earlier and the glistening cityscapes across the Bay make me think of her. I wish she missed me as much as she acted like she would when she first met me and acted weirdly attached. She was annoying as shit but I tried to make myself available, and I feel like I just turned to shit in the process, and that she never saw me as adequate, and since she's the only person I was with for a long time, all of my self-perception depends on her and the hideous shots I saw of myself on a Google security camera. Made me feel better to share anal gifs with friends but don't have any friends who want them now, so I don't want to watch anyone fuck now, it's all just moving images, and a reminder of my pervasive isolation and inadequacies and fears.
I will be vindicated
Overall I like what I've been doing, spending some time at night on a project. But I really really want to escape everything and play Apex Apex Apex. Hopefully they don't dump a badge in my inventory next time based on a neural hash that is custom fitted to prey on every inadequate feeling, since they have a tendency to dump ADL-approved badges that just remind me of real life horrors.