It felt uniquely good which is why I keep binging, chasing that dragon, trying to improve on the constant negativity. It's one pillar, but so many other pillars have crumbled. Used to dance but got shy, then dancing was banned, then the people who put on events got completely on board with vaccine mandates, which kind of makes me sick. Social network was a pillar, which crumbled, partially because I was taught by my mother to take a little bit of whatever I can and burn all the bridges. Family, all I have are parents who need me to clean up after them or help with a neglected dog. I want to leave here but I am tethered to them. I should have created my own, but I never learned how to create anything and I always heard about how disabled and incapable I am, for so long that building a family seemed silly. The anti-family propaganda didn't help. Creation is another pillar, need to build. A job that has problem-solving is another, which again is thwarted by my negative self-image. I would like pu$$y too, but that's really difficult now.

I think I'll always like games but I need more pillars so I don't pursue being entertained to the point of exhaustion. I don't know where to go. No pillars.