October 05, 2021
Woke up early today. Been too tired post-work, just eating then falling asleep. Back hurt too much so instead of doing mat workout, I did two rounds of Apex Legends. It's so much fun when it's fit into a schedule, and when I don't pay attention to all the increasing amount of bullshit from that company. Won the second round then had to go.
It felt uniquely good which is why I keep binging, chasing that dragon, trying to improve on the constant negativity. It's one pillar, but so many other pillars have crumbled. Used to dance but got shy, then dancing was banned, then the people who put on events got completely on board with vaccine mandates, which kind of makes me sick. Social network was a pillar, which crumbled, partially because I was taught by my mother to take a little bit of whatever I can and burn all the bridges. Family, all I have are parents who need me to clean up after them or help with a neglected dog. I want to leave here but I am tethered to them. I should have created my own, but I never learned how to create anything and I always heard about how disabled and incapable I am, for so long that building a family seemed silly. The anti-family propaganda didn't help. Creation is another pillar, need to build. A job that has problem-solving is another, which again is thwarted by my negative self-image. I would like pu$$y too, but that's really difficult now.
I think I'll always like games but I need more pillars so I don't pursue being entertained to the point of exhaustion. I don't know where to go. No pillars.