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July 13, 2021

Looked at DMV renewal before the last minute which is fortunate because turns out I also need to deal with some recall bullshit before I can send it, and I have to send it, I can't just pay online.

Following that, I went hiking and on my way back down, experienced a feeling of dread realizing I won't be able to pay off any of my bill after this. Followed by another feeling of dread right now, realizing rent may be hard too. I'm really angry. I avoid these things they seem impossible to deal with. Sometimes I don't understand why I am so averse to basic actions like looking at a notice or paying a bill or anything constructive and when I experience things like this, it's obvious how debilitating it is. I just don't want to feel this, and I feel so utterly incapable of overcoming any situation that I just want to forget this and feel something else and make it to the end of the day.

I wish my mom got me on adderall before casting me out to live in my car. I know I'm supposed to blame myself for everything by now, but that just seems to result in relentless self destruction with no apparent exit or solution. No foundation no strength, dependent on someone who got sick of taking care of me. Something changed at one point. I didn't know why she seemed colder and less interested in helping me, maybe because there was less money in general or maybe because I was actually trying to do things on my own and made a new checking account so that all my disability payouts went to me instead of an account in my name that went to her. I don't know I didn't learn really basic things and it hasn't gotten easier, it's actually getting really hard to manage anything, to remember I wanted to drink more water, or prepare more food, or write someone about work. You expect you'll take care of yourself if things get bad but it's like I'm just a fetus and I choose death.