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September 11, 2014

today i feel depressed
when my feelings come across to people deliberately or by accident they sometimes ask what i have to be depressed about
or maybe it isnt depression
but it isn't a feeling of being sad about things. it's a repressive force just pressing down on me so that the things around me don't matter
and it isn't the things i have, it's how i feel about myself
all those inspirational messages people post on facebook, instagram, tumblr,
they aren't for me
i feel like i've passed a point of feeling inspired and now i'm at a linear stage where i'm supposed to accept things about myself.
*you're not young anymore, you won't become famous for being good at something
*you have old habits and no momentum so any attempts at self propulsion are meaningless
*and will ultimately result in nothing
*you have nothing of value to contribute because look at everyone else who accomplished so much more with barely a springboard
*you haven't tried hard enough so you need to stay in retail/food because
*no matter how smart you are
*you didn't try hard enough
*so deal with it.

your future is gone
this is it.