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September 26, 2012

These are the low times. There are the highs. And the lows. The lows feel like loneliness. They feel like defeat. They feel like I’m just killing time with someone who fucks me until she dumps me. She always says she’s not my girlfriend. The paranoia of her cheating creeps over me, because she doesn’t trust me. So why would she think she needs to be faithful. She’s uncompromising but expects me to change everything for her. A relationship shouldn’t make me feel more lonely than when I was alone. But this one kind of does. Hanging over the cloud of all my thoughts are her threats of leaving me. They have to stay clouds. If I share them—she can be cool sometimes—but most of the time it just seems like she lashes out so I have to defend myself. And I’m tired of it. Tired of the threats. Tired of the anxiety. And on my list of reasons to break up, this is number one: when the relationship makes me more unhappy than happy. If I her told that, it would just be more threats of loneliness, of abandonment. Any request for compromise is seen as a threat and she responds accordingly. Friends think the worst of her, and I can’t accept that. I can't accept her being worse than who I need her to be. Sometimes I feel very lonely.