September 26, 2012
19:00
These are the low times. There are the highs. And the lows. The lows feel like loneliness. They feel like defeat. They feel like I�m just killing time with someone who fucks me until she dumps me. She always says she�s not my girlfriend. The paranoia of her cheating creeps over me, because she doesn�t trust me. So why would she think she needs to be faithful. She�s uncompromising but expects me to change everything for her. A relationship shouldn�t make me feel more lonely than when I was alone. But this one kind of does. Hanging over the cloud of all my thoughts are her threats of leaving me. They have to stay clouds. If I share them�she can be cool sometimes�but most of the time it just seems like she lashes out so I have to defend myself. And I�m tired of it. Tired of the threats. Tired of the anxiety. And on my list of reasons to break up, this is number one: when the relationship makes me more unhappy than happy. If I her told that, it would just be more threats of loneliness, of abandonment. Any request for compromise is seen as a threat and she responds accordingly. Friends think the worst of her, and I can�t accept that. I can't accept her being worse than who I need her to be. Sometimes I feel very lonely.
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