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May 06, 2011

Dear dairy. I'm outside a punk show in redwood city because it's crowded and I don't know where my friend is. I have been spending about a half hour trying to get all my dairyland info so I could write. Didn't really occur to me I cOuld write without publishing but that way doesn't really make sense to me.

I am writing becausE I am so preoccupied rigt now with my feelings that I want to go home. But I know I should give the night a chance. Seems like I'm just taking a dump on the night by sitting at a bus stop writing about my feelings. But I'm doing it so that I will stay out.

Basically was supposed to get voice lesson from someone who doesn't usually teach me. My usual teacher is someone I was once sexually involved with. She's prone to moodswings and can generally be abusive toward me. I think because I had no interest in continuing the sexual stuff when her feelings got messy. She is a very good teacher. But if someone says something that makes me insecure I cannot address it with her because she takes my self doubt as a personal slight and will briefly make my life Hell.
The temporary voice teacher is someone who is abrasive. Rude. Truthful. A little too insecure. I've sort of developed a crush on her because I guess she balances it with moments of kindness. Effective for attracting damaged people like me. I respond to her bad attitude by constantly sexually harassing her.
She's always tried to move me in he direction of musical theater. I figures just because she's a big Fag about that stuff.

But anyway let me go back a little. Earlier in the day. Saw myself in a camera and was mortified by how ugly I looked. Shortly after she called me fatass. Etc.
At her house her bf was there and she kept trying to push this musical theater stuff this awful awful music on me. I kept saying I was interested in auditioning for the music program again. I feel it would kind of legitimize my role in the school so it is tied to how I perceive myself and how I want. Others to perceive me.
Anyway. It culminated with her saying she doesn't think I can audition yet because I'm not ready and should be doing all this musical theater stuff in english. And it embarrassed me because it was with other people in the room, one of whom pretty much took the same side. And I didn't realize how deeply it hurt me at the time.
I left and was gonna come back and wanted her to come out so i could talk to her more but she had nothing else to say. And was rude about that.
And so I never went back.

I mean. It kind of fucked with me in such a way that when I left all I could feel was hate. Followed by insecurities. And I feel like everyone thinks I'm a joke. I'm pretty sure my regular teacher has thought I'd do fine with auditioning but I'm scared to ask her anything because shell just treat me like shit. With her newly inflated ego brought on by a boyfriend and social network.

She's really the only person who could help me feel better about this right now. But She is only there for me to use. If I treat her like a person. Things get ugly. But I talked to my mom and that was nice.

I do think I should trust her more. Not just for the sake of my self esteem but she's recognized as being an amazing singer by pretty much everyone and she has legit credentials. She has been my best teacher for voice and generally doesn't fuck around. She has heard my voice at it's best and generally has a favorable view. Thinks I have considerable talent. Could have been the sex talking.

The temp teacher has always kind of thought I couldn't do things. When we worked together before she would stick with a more comfortable range range rather than really pushing which im fine with and think can work to keep students from getting too discouraged. But I now feel it was more because she has no faith in me or my abilities.
When I wanted to audition for a lead role she kept pushing me away from it.
When my regular teacher said she thought I'd be good I dramatic serious romantic things. The temp was baffled. Because I'm good at being funny. She doesn't think I can't be funny.
It is in her two dimensional view of me that I find some comfort. If she sees me in such simple terms maybe she doesn't see how good I can be. Because she is blinded. Not me.
That is what I hope and where I will try to find my confidence. I hope not to be misguided. But I think regardless of whether I am right or wrong I'd like to believe in myself above all else. That is what hurt about today. The loss of some of that.

My friend hasn't even come out to smoke. Maybe coming out here was a waste of four dollar gas. Her boyfriend is in there so I feel weird about going in if he's there but she isn't.

Goodnight dairy. Thanks for hearing me.