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July 19, 2010

when i try to work on music i am overwhelmed iwth feeligns of self loathing. i don't realize how much i hate myself until i try to work on music. it's a horrible existential experience, where i feel like everything i ever wanted was fabricated and is now impossible to have and i'm no one at all

I find it very alarming.
discovering the gulf between what i want and what i have and being shocked by it every time i encounter it

the gulf between the person i am and the person i want to be
what i want to eat versus what i eat
what i want to do versus what i do
the years i want versus the years i wasted

the gulf between my daily self and the self that hates itself underneath

the notion of suicide seems funny to me, like what a funny thing, to set out to kill someone, and that person is yourself. what a bizarre thing