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November 08, 2009

Sort of dried up, sad, depleted at the moment.

Had to choose between the girl's show on Friday or a party. Chose both. Had to choose between moving on or being hung up, chose hung up. Felt like it was a mistake the whole time at the show. Just wanted to fulfill my purpose. Wanted to see her live just once. I wouldn't have done it if I had done it before, but I knew I might regret it if I didn't go. I didn't go for her, I still thought of how she missed the shows I wanted her to come to. I did it for myself.

I was grateful because a friend of mine was going to come with me, which helped put me at ease a little bit, but her pathetic boyfriend tagged along and made it more hassle. His breath stunk in the back of my car, and he was pushy and rude. When I saw the girl, she wanted to photograph my hair, and the boyfriend just shoved his way into the situation to try to make us take the picture the way he wanted. It's like dude, can't you see we're in love and in a bad situation and that I hate her too and that I only want to talk to her because it's one of the moments where things aren't discordant.

I kissed her ear, her neck, she told me she loved me, it all felt okay as long as she was there, but I hated to watch her onstage. I felt like I couldn't. The footage behind was obnoxious as shit, overly bright, overly trite. Not to mention all the art was behind couches full of people so there was no comfortable way to look at it. It's like they just had the art on the wall so the attendees could say they went to an art show. Whatever.
so i tried to watch her, and it made me so nauseous. I hated it. I hated how she didn't look at me. I hated being there. I became so nauseous that I wanted to leave but couldn't find a comfortable way out, so I just stayed in the same spot. Thought I would photograph it but was emotionally seized. When the pathetic boyfriend went to the bathroom, I was standing next to my friend, and when he came back, he basically shoved me so that he could put his arms around her. It's like, dude can't you tell I'm not here for her? Fucking dumb.

The girl walked me out of the place which was nice, and I didn't expect it. Kissed her neck again. Hope that's not pathetic. Hope I'm not some hanger-on. Hope for nothing. I'm a know nothing.

As I was about to drive my friend back to her home near 19th Avenue, the pathetic boyfriend chirped "can you drive me home". Ugh.
So I drove the faggot home where he and my friend debated over whether or not she would stay over, while my blinkers were on, in the middle of the street, while I was rushing to get to a party 30 miles away that had begun hours ago. Fortunately it worked out in my favor because she stayed with him, and that meant I could more quickly get on the freeway.

In my car, I screamed Devour for the first time, and my throat became raw. I screamed it because I loved the girl, I screamed it because the music was inside of me instead of in the car. I almost cried. I may have cried.

I considered not even going to the party. I had cold feet. But I got there, and when I came inside, it was such a warm welcome from this big girl with big purple hair. She invited me there. it was her party. I thought maybe she wouldn't want me around as much because she expressed an interest in me when her s.o. was out of town, but he was back around, and I thought she'd resent me for being attractive to her. But she was super nice, and she brought me to the kitchen, and I stayed there for a while before I ventured out past the party game, and I sat near this girl I knew intermittently, who I'd always seen around and always been okay with but never really went deeper, and her friend was there, whom I've met a few times, and then I realized the intermittent girl was awesome, because she was doing Street Fighter poses, and then she asked me if I wanted to see kittens and she showed me all these kittens, and she kept fucking with this cat, which is mean i suppose but I still found it charming, and then and then and then and then we went out, and had a dance competition and then and then three of us meowed along to songs like kittens, and made kitten music, and then and then it was time to go and the purple haired girl blew me a kiss.

The next day was Norm Macdonald. My friend and I were discussing him a few days prior, as is our wont, and we talked about how cool it would be to meet him, and I said it was too bad because I thought he already had come by San Francisco, but then I checked, and that very Saturday was his show date. Gasp.

So last night, I went with my friend to his improv thing, and we left early, and got tickets to see Norm. it was the most thrilling thing when we heard his voice doing some announcement. Oh man! And then when he finally came up onstage, we went nuts. I was glad to share this with my friend because he is kind of legendary, and our affinity for Norm has come to define much of how we interact with each other and what we find funny.

We had a dream to meet him, and party with him. We did meet him. We did not party. At first neither of us knew what to say but eventually we just became pretty natural, and then I made norm say what the fuck with my antics. We were happy as clams in suits.

We considered killing ourselves afterwards so we wouldn't have to experience the downfall.
today was pretty distressing. distraught, i am distraught. Choke, I am choking. maybe we had the illusion of a tree, maybe we were a tree.

maybe i care too much to ever play it cool again, to ever make a bird again

love norm macdonald

i accidently broke up my friend and his girlfriend. don't think he likes me now.