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July 16, 2009

Dear Dairy,
This is going to be one of those straight forward entries where I discuss an event that happened because I don't know how to wrap my mind around it. This contrasts my usual entries where I discuss my mind and how events wrap around it. ???
So, last night she was going to see her ex, and I asked if she thought they would fuck, and she didn't know.
Tonight, she called me, and told me she had something for me, so I agreed to meet up. And I didn't know if it was such a good idea, because I figured they probably did, and it'd be odd to meet up right now.

I felt standoffish and on edge when I got into her car, but I tried to keep composed and remain civil. After she mentioned how they had not fucked, I warmed up a little more, and felt more at ease talking to her. At one point, I mentioned how my conversations with An have been helping me deal, and how they've provided perspective, and all that. The extent of this girl's knowledge of An is based in An's somewhat racist evaluations of the girl, and there was a time when she got very upset about that. I made a joke about how, despite the good that An had done, she still made a joke about the girl's ethnicity, and I impersonated an ethnic stereotype.

She told me how that upset her, and I laughed because I thought it was fairly light-hearted, but I guess she was still carrying that anger over from the previous event, but after than initial hiccup, everything seemed to be going smoothly.

I said how I enjoy hurting her, but I was really just being raunchy when I said that, and I clarified that I was being raunchy.
I guess I was trying to laugh it off to show that I didn't mean anything by it, but I think she just interpreted it as me laughing at her. This also brings to mind another event from when we first started talking, where I upset her to the point that I was unable to rationalize with her anymore, and all I could do was give up on the discussion. But I thought things had changed since then, and I thought we were on a level of understanding where she got what I was about.

So we went inside this grocery store, and I explained how I short changed myself, and made myself look bad by saying all the things I say about myself, and how she should judge by my actions, not what I say. At one point, I mentioned I'm not honest, and immediately she jumped on that as not being a good thing for me to say. But I tried to clarify that she is dishonest too, and it is because we are dishonest with ourselves. And I said how I hate myself (which may be an exaggeration) and I said how I blame myself constantly (which is not). I don't know if she understood what I was trying to say or why I was saying it. I just wanted a chance.

I gave her a hug, but she didn't seem to reciprocate much, and I told her it wasn't very good, so I did it again, but she just expressed confusion because she said she thought I hated her. Which doesn't make sense since I was hugging her, and since I came out to see her, and since I devote too much of my time to thinking about how to maintain a relationship with her.

She kept saying how she didn't have much time and had to leave soon. Later she explained that she was upset because I wasn't hurrying up.

As I went to buy something else, she said she was going to go to a line to pay for her stuff, and I went off to research skin care products. I didn't want her to go away, and I don't think she would have ever done that before. In fact, I know she wouldn't have. I know she would have stuck by me.

She also kept texting.

By the time I showed up in her line, there were a few people in front of me, and it took a long time, and while she was waiting for me, I looked at her directly, just to share some sort of thing since she was far away, and I think I smiled at her, and she smiled at me, and she lifted up her phone to text someone, and I felt disappointed.

And on our way out, I was kind of annoyed and sad, and I said in the car, sigh sigh sigh, that I wish I had texting capabilities on my phone so that I could have something to do, which annoyed her because she interpreted it as passive-aggressive, and she asked if I felt like she'd be ditching me if she went home to eat, and I said I might, and I eventually said on her prompting, I said, "I just wish you wouldn't text so much". Because that was contributing to my feeling of being ditched. She asked what she was supposed to do, ignore her friends? And I said she was ignoring a friend (me) by having her nose in the phone.

And that is what it took, and she unleashed a flurry of accusations on me. About how "what do you want me to do? hold your hand the whole time you're in line?" and she kept asking if she was supposed to go back and stand in line again? And she asked why I wouldn't just move to the front where she was, and I told her I didn't want to cut in front of people, and she said "well if you weren't so high and mighty…" and went on and on. She pointed how I didn't say thanks for the gift and I told her I couldn't say thanks now because it'd be tacky, and this is not what I said, but how the fuck does she expect me to say thanks when my mind is swarming with so many other things? I don't even remember if I did. And I felt again like I couldn't rationalize with her at all because I kept trying to communicate, but she kept speaking in that sharp, mean way she speaks and picking on different things. "This is why I shouldn't have gone to that concert with you" and I said "stop speaking" and that really pissed her off.

I kept telling her to let me out, but she wouldn't, and the fighting kept going on and on until I was yelling at her, and that is where she had a strategic advantage because I was the bad guy then. And even though I tried not to fight, it wouldn't work. I tried telling her that i just wanted to spend time with her, and the texting comment wasn't meant to be an attack, and I just wanted to spend time with her, and that's all, and she assumed that I assumed the texting was her ex, and she belittled my "history" with the ex by referring to it as such, and I said it didn't matter who it was, she just does it all the time now. And she refused to just accept that I wasn't trying to attack her and when she couldn't go anywhere else with that, she'd talk about how fucked up that racist joke was, and how I didn't say thanks. And I mentioned that already, but time doesn't really matter here because it's all bullshit, it's all anger.
But aside from those lucid moments, i just yelled more, because she pushed me, and the more I yelled, the more unhinged I got, the more she would say "and now you're yelling at me??" and that sort of thing, and I told her how I am not the only one who is mean, how she knows how to be polite, but she is just as mean as I am, but she uses politeness and quietness to mask it.

And she kept responding to my unhingedness with "uh huh, okay" and I lost it, and unlocked her door and left the car at a stoplight not too far from my house and said "stupid bitch" as soon I was out the door and immediately felt terrible because I never wanted to think of her in that way, and I crossed the lanes, and waited for the traffic light to welcome me, and I saw her pull in front and maybe pull over somewhere, but I went another way.

I wanted her to stop me, I wanted her to be at my house ready to talk, but I also knew that what I wanted would not turn out how I wanted, how what I wanted could not possibly happen. How if she did wait for me, it would be with the weight of her mutually abusive relationship on her back, following her every word into me. and at one point, during the fight, she pointed out how we hadn't gotten into it like this since we first began hanging out, and I realized that yes, that was true.

And it all became clear, that all that ugliness, that mysterious ugliness inside of her, I knew why it was that way when we first met, because he still held onto her heart, and she took on his qualities, or she just hated herself so much that it made her that way, or I don't really know. How could a girl legitimately go after such a dysfunctional relationship and not be harboring a monster? All I know is that she is that way again, and the girl I fell for is buried underneath a pile of this, and I miss her a great deal and I wish I could feel when this new ugly thing was gone, so that I'd know it's safe again to be her friend. But she is not my friend anymore. She is not the girl I knew. The girl is gone.