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December 09, 2008

I have been unhappy for so long. I've been unhappy since I started this stupid thing, and unhappy before then, and I want to feel okay.

Today is hard. I don't feel like I can talk to anyone about it because it seems pointless. When I talk to other people, it tends to turn into an okay event, a happy event, but it doesn't rid me of this indescribable loneliness that pervades when I get off the phone and that pervades me today.
Thoughts of her invade my dreams, so to sleep well I need to keep going back to sleep after I wake up from her. It's like that night she was out with him again, where I couldn't sleep because I kept having nightmares.
I feel so angry, disappointed, angry at her, and then there is the time where I wrap myself in the blanket she made me, and when I become comfortable in her memory, I become angry all over again until I hate her.
Today I contemplated the idea of asking her if she wants a committed relationship again, but then I knew I wouldn't be able to get over anything that's happened.
I thought of the thought that I might become okay with her eventually, maybe six months down the line, and then that thought scared me, the thought of becoming okay with her, and yet having her become so distant from me.

today i feel like it might be possible that i can't care for anyone else

I need to audition for my school's music program on Saturday, and I don't feel ready, and I feel there is no way for me to be ready by that time. I need to stop underestimating myself, I am like technology, where I am neither exclusively good nor bad; I am a being of many qualities, and that I should focus on the good ones rather than the bad.
I don't want to audition, I don't feel like the good qualities matter.
but I need to. I need to practice. It's not useless. affirm. I am good. I will succeed. I have qualities that are unique and advantageous. I will pass this audition, and the music department will love me, and I will write brilliant music.