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April 05, 2008

Already, I feel the weight of what I've done. After eight months of ambivalence and indecisiveness, I broke down and decided I couldn't do it anymore. She'd become a part of me, and now it feels like she's been sliced off, and I am back where I started. My musical project has pretty much died out, and I've ended the best thing that's happened to me in a long time. I missed her even while she was next to me, and I miss her so much now that I'm back at my house. I don't know how to function without her, she got me to leave my house and she gave me someone to hold, and she cared for me in a way I don't think anyone ever will again, but I couldn't give her back the same thing, and I couldn't decide, and when I did decide, it was to give all that up, for the sake of what I don't really know. For the sake of honesty, for the sake of promiscuity, for the sake of never having to feel unsure of myself.

I took her for granted, I knew I did, I didn't know how not to, and only when I push her away do I feel safe saying I love her and find her beautiful and want to protect her, even if it's from myself.

The sun has fallen with a curtain and everything good she brought to me is now behind me and I feel like I made the wrong decision because it was the only decision I could possibly make. I can't force myself to be ready for a relationship. I can't control what she does once I let go. I just want her back, I want to sleep with her tonight, but I know I can't.

it all came full circle, today, we went back where we went the morning after we tried fucking in public for the first time, under a meteor shower, and we finally went on another hike, and I wish I could communicate to her how much she's meant to me and how I want her to be so happy, and I want her to be so so happy, and I want to give her everything I can't

maybe i'll show her this someday, but not now. i want her to understand that i care, but to show this now would be tacky, and manipulative
i suppose all i can do now is concentrate on studying, to keep me from staying indoors all day, to keep me sane
but a part of me is gone now, a part that took over to the point where i couldn't even recognize it anymore, and now i know that it was very special, and even though it wasn't for me, i need to love it for what it was, and love her for who she is, and do whatever it takes to help her, whether that means being there for her or disappearing. i need to pay her back so she can now how much i appreciate everything she's done for me