Older Previous~Next
September 2, 2022
Immobilized Feeling so sad today it's hard to move. Yesterday was decent because I spent a lot of time on my possibly ex bff's package. It's the only way I can talk to her now. Kind of want to never finish it so I can keep talking to her. But I'm tired of delaying.
I could just message her but she dropped the game she was playing with me and didn't respond to anything else so I figure it would just be obtrusive, that I'm just dropped even though she's the one person who was never going to drop me. I try not to think about it because I start thinking suicidal thoughts when I do. I don't know what I could say to her if I did message her anyway. Sorry, but I've apologized before and she said it doesn't matter when it follows everything else I do. So I stopped apologizing even though it seems like the only option sometimes. I hate apologizing but it was like progress for me. Compared to before. Compared to my rampant callousness and entitlement throughought my life. Doesn't really count for much if it doesnt count to the person I apologize to. I could tell her how sad I am not to hear from her. But I was sad when I was talking to her and she stopped talking to me because of that or because of how it changed my behavior. So I just say hey i'm still sad fix it, when wanting that help and stuff just made her leave to begin with. If I tried to resume talking to her it still wouldn't solve all the things that bugged me out anyway, and trying to address them and become unbugged just makes her leave anyway.

its too much to think about. I'm about to run even though I feel pointless. Running seems pointless. Have to go through the motions to get somewhere other than where I am now. I really want to do more of her packing today but its getting late. I feel paralyzed by choices. Its important to run so i think i should. wish i could spend some time on her care package too. Hope its not the last contact we make but it might be so it has to be good and it has to happen and it has to be good.

there are other very important things to do. Just for income. But I want to do this too. And I think what contributes to my paralysis when I have tasks is the pressure of knowing one has to be done, and then other tasks seem like pointless distractions, so I try alternating between parts of them in small amounts, and when I need to do both then they're like magnets bouncing off each other.
this time I'm trying to get her package done soon. A few days of work just for this, meaning I'm building concrete parameters around it, as opposed to trying to get it and everything else done at the same time because everything seems important. I kind of hope it can change things but I've told her she's important to me. Don't think a physical red heart will make that more apparent. But I want to send it and I needed to send it earlier and if we never talk then it needs to be sent soon and it's my only way to talk to her.