Join Me in the Shadows, burning string, just the ashes
September 2, 2022
Been up all night but feel like I'll sleep soon which is good. Alternating between anger and the horrible nauseating pain that comes with realizing someone's gone. It makes me feel like my heart is literally sinking lower. Makes me feel vaguely nauseous and sick, cold and hollow.
I keep thinking really bad things about myself. I think about how she stopped saying anything nice about me. I keep thinking of how she said she was just saying it for my own good, which makes me wonder if anything charitable she said was just a way to help me get better, not because she saw anything good in me. Thinking about how she said she doesn't care if what she says makes me hate her. Thinking about how upset that makes me whenever I think about it. Because hating her means losing my most important friend. Thinking about feeling disposable. Thinking about being palatable to no one because if she can't tolerate me no one can. Trying to think about how maybe I can still find someone who will be attracted to me. Maybe. But I keep comparing myself to the men she says charitable things about, voluntarily, unprompted. I keep thinking about being poor and desperate. I keep thinking about how nothing I say could inspire sentimentality in her. Keep thinking I could tell her I miss her and it would mean nothing to her. Keep thinking and being angry about how she didn't care if what she said made me hate her because it also meant she didn't care how distressed she was making me. Keep thinking about how when I said I was distressed, she just said I always am, and keep thinking about how meaningless and pathetic that continues to make me feel. Keep thinking about how she said this she knew would damage me and when I said they did she just said it was me doing it. Keep thinking about how that makes be feel like there's no way out and how if she cant be moved to care about that, no one can care about me. Keep thinking of how small this huge nauseating cold is to anyone else if it's meaningless to her. Keep thinking of her bf's midlife crisis and how he can buy things to cope and he gets attention from whoever he wants to the point of not wanting it and how small and weak I feel because of where I am and the little value I had was in her and she took it away because I don't have value and i can't purchase a new life to make it better. I keep thinking of how she saw me. Earlier I kept thinking about how she talked about other people to me, wondering if she's now sneering about me to somebody else, telling them how emotional and insecure I became and how irritated that made her, that I was being a pussy or a bitch. Knowing that even if she talks to me again, that if I ask something like that, the answer might be yes or how irritated she'll be, or I'll become too upset and begin to pivot from asking to spiraling into a self loathing spiral. Keep thinking about how my crisis is just in words, not in a new car, they're in words and I'm screaming for help and she'ss too tired of me to care how much help I always need because it's hell for me and tedious for her. Keep thinking of how when she gets my gift she's likely to think nothing about it, possibly even that it underscores the other things I keep thinking about her saying about me, that I'm a pussy, that I'm a bitch, for sending her a card and her things after she decided she was done with me. Keep thinking about how I wish I could share the pain of these repetitive thoughts with her, and remembering that she knows about them, that she doesnt care about them, that I can change them. Thinking about how that makes me feel weaker, more weak, compared to her, compared to people she likes because to me these thoughts are just happening, and the pain of experiencing it is just something I want a person for, to talk to about them to get some assurance I'm not everything these thoughts tell me I am, that there's something about me.
I'm not writing in this style to be poetic. I don't really like the repetition people use to simulate depth. I've just been sitting up trying to entertain myself for hours and as I shut off the entertainment I realized these thoughts are hammering my head and not stopping and causing me a lot of distress. I didn't want to write. The reception is a byproduct of that. I don't feel creative or structural. So I'm just writing down everything I can remember myself obsessing over for the past six hours or so. Just to i don't know, just to write it so it's less powerful.
i keep thinking of how she threw so much damage at me in an attempt to fix me and how it just created this cycle of thoughts she cant be bothered to drag me out of. i'm so angry that i'm here. i'm so angry that she put this grenade in me and tells me its just something i have to choose not to think about. i hate how that shift in attitude made everything before seem fucking fake.
i wish i remembered her saying sorry. i don't think she ever did but i forget a lot of things. would actually be meaningful to me if she said that. wouldn't really clear my thoughts of the negative shit that keeps replaying. she used to say that was demons not to listen to them but now its her and i always listen to her