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August 29, 2022
I prefer not to let them know when advertising works on me, I prefer not to let advertising work on me. But one of the brands I followed from my sweepstakes account is in my mind. Been wanting to get a small keyboard, maybe the size of a Blackberry keyboard, maybe half the size of a normal one, for all the times I'm in my car just talking to An, angry at the touchscreen and its new world autocorrect. So now I kind of just want a full-size keyboard from Drop. They look like attractive toys.

I wanted to write hours ago but obviously my computer was going too slow and trying to clear space on the phone just kept delaying. And my mom was hassling me to pick up her drugs. Which made me sad. I'm pretty exhausted now and don't feel confident in my ability to articulate anything that made sense in the shower. its the same miserable feeling as all the other nights. empty in the dark suburbs. and just completely over it. but since the entry kept being delayed, I also kept thinking of different angles. But I also feel shame now. I feel sad like I did before but I also feel shame about articulating how insecure I feel. So I'll just refer to my notes and I'll probably find sincerity even though I feel like I just sat down to write an essay I don't care about. I was listening to Lotus talk about buying Pop-Tarts which also probably changed my style to cynical consumer instead of the dark and vaporous mode I was in when I had all the ideas.

I visualized my "mental issues" or whatever you want to call them in the shower today. This is the post where I wanted to write and draw and had some energy. I feel ashamed to talk about mental disorders, disabilities, because my friend's assessments made me feel like there is no honesty to saying that I am experiencing compulsive behaviors or having obsessive thoughts or having trouble keeping track of things. I have internalized so much of what she said that it has sprouted into its own pathological set of fixations. They aren't out of nowhere. The framework was there. But it's like she loaded a gun. . And that's where the missing bullets live, in my gut in my head. So how she walks on eggshells, or she did because I don't know that she wants to know me, because I'll blow up over anything like she's attacking me. I think that's because I'm a coathanger for the set of fucked up cosmetics she loaded onto me. I don't like to say she made me do anything or made me feel something but she's one of the most important people to me and she's dug me out of the ground all this time, and if I credit her with keeping me upright, I can attribute the dirt I'm under as originating from her shovel, or my reaction to her, if you want to completely avoid using any language that suggests anyone is responsible for anyone.

So the visual was:
rooms and doorways.
🔲 🔲 🔲
I think I saw three little square rooms. at the base of the bird's eye map. there is one way out of each room into another room respectively.
I think each of the next rooms is a level beyond the initial room. so maybe one of the next rooms is strength, building strength. maybe these are pathways. i haven't thought deeply about it or if it makes sense. its just a visual i had and didnt have time to think about. so some of this might be how i'm imagining it now not at first. so i leave one of the base rooms, enter the next one and i see something my friend said. or it could be any number of things. maybe the three base rooms don't even make sense maybe the base should be just one room.
so in room number two i try to leave through the one doorway leading to the next room, the next level.
🔲 🔲 🔲 next level
|     |     |
🔲 🔲 🔲 Base
And there on the door is suddenly a message, and the message stops the door from being opened. This is true of many things. most things. it's my life. and when i cant get through that forward oriented door, i have to go through a side door that takes me back to the base. all of the rooms have a side shortcut that takes me back to the base. and they all have a view of the door to the next level but there is always a message that stops me cold.
this has been the case for a long time but she had so many angles on me that covered every one of those doors. and maybe thats why there are three. i think i was actually splitting the paths into indulgence, order, discipline and thats how they work with each other, though it wasn't overtly those categories like now. think i remember now. the way they work is by making these very simple pathways into a maze.

so i go through the strength door. i'm lifting a small weight there is a message from her saying its not enough. maybe its more than one message. maybe i'm going through the rooms at the same time. no. it can be linear
back to beginning.
i have a choice to try harder to get to the next level but i have to start all over regardless of what i choose.
i can choose an orderly task to build up the endurance to pursue strength. maybe some small orderly task. through the Order door, from the base and then another message saying this isn't orderly enough. that i haven't spent enough time on this. or its about her bf's career. now i'm looking in the distance at somebody else's network of rooms. incompressible. humiliated by telling her i was trying. don't think she noticed anyway. back to the beginning.
i'm stressed need to chill.

but as im beginning to enjoy chilling, i get a message how i need to stop because i could try doing something constructive. back to base. down the constructive path. its not enough. time to chill. bad at managing time. embarrassing. try to be disciplined. i try and its not enough. its not enough to try. i'm too old. i need the maze network. i need the maze network to matter to anyone, for anyone to respect or care about me. but i'm too fucking stupid to know how to get through the door and it hurts so much now i just want to chill. so i go back and forth through the chill path, hardly enjoying it, always being on the first level and returning to base constantly because i keep wanting to do more but the nihilistic boredom of this path is so much less taxing than the nihilism and self loathing and constant failure and constant messages telling me the failure is NOTHING. its not a way out its not a path forward its just NOTHING. and with my last friend critical of it NO One gives a SHIT that im trying anymore so keep stopping because i'm not getting anywhere when i try its never enough when i do

i visualize this room as being in the same place as those little under-bridge pathways in the Hydro Dam in Kings Canyon. maybe made of the same stuff. maybe being under a structure too. i envisioned it at the pathway on the northwest corner. i didnt choose to. just where i saw it. don't know why.

. i think it is like an illustration of momentum. how momentum happens in my life. how it turns out.

there was more to write but i'll leave this at this point and maybe just split all these ideas into different entries. everything is too much. i'm so tired. and its to late like every night has been lately and i'm so tired. i might run anyway. and then after that it will be even later.

director's cut notes

action movie
Kings Canyon
a room with walls

highs and lows