She acts like I'm responding to her attacking me when I verbalize anything. Theres no need for an attack. I'm not responding to anything. This is just my life and the more beaten down and demoralized I am, the more beaten down and demoralized I become because no one would describe me as hard if they heard me. Theres no sanctuary anymore. I used to feel safe to tell her everything every time I felt hurt or wronged. Always felt like she was on my side. Never felt like I was reducing my own value but now I do, all the time. I have no one to talk to because being openness is an attack and silence is isolation. I want to be open and vulnerable with someone I trust but hearing how she describes him how others describe him how she describes herself her indifference to anything from me these days. I'm always taking damage. You know, that's a good way to phrase it. Like a game. Taking environmental or incidental damage and occasionally coming across someone who reminds me that I'm damaged. No one needs to attack because I'm either thinking about it or something else. But it doesnt really stop. I just want to think about something else. Hoping, wishing, it all feels so pathetic and weak now. Feeling embarrassed makes it more embarrassing. I want to go back to the old world, before violence seemed to be everything.