I feel like I couldn't smile if you drew one on me
August 28, 2022
Remembered I wanted eggs. For egg sandwiches. Recently discovered I can boil eggs.
Extreme sadness about what this could mean, that people argue about racism while civilization is ripped apart by the demons they voted for so confidently. Then thinking about how bad it can be for me if I can't buy food. Imagining that and comparing myself to her bf and how I always hoped to help her out somehow, which she seemed apathetic about. Imagining having no food and she's taken care of because her bf is so impressively hard and tough. This makes it more acute. The feeling of having nothing to offer anyone. No one wants to offer me anything. I always wanted to help people. No one wants my help. I always wanted to help her. She didn't care. It feels like no amount of effort could result in something that could be meaningful or even visible to another person. I don't want to ask for help anymore, so I fall deeper and darker. Maybe if I deserved better I wouldn't be here.
It wouldn't matter if things got so bad because it seems like he's just that much better that things won't be hard for them. That she won't need me and won't miss me. As I fade in my own delusions and become dismembered in the hellmouth. Being sad about it makes me more sad because that emotion is one more factor that makes me less and him more. One more thing that makes me alienated from her when I used to think we shared something better than any of that. Writing about it makes me feel foolish. Feeling foolish makes me feel stupid. Wanting to help makes me feel impotent. Knowing she may read this someday makes it worse.
She acts like I'm responding to her attacking me when I verbalize anything. Theres no need for an attack. I'm not responding to anything. This is just my life and the more beaten down and demoralized I am, the more beaten down and demoralized I become because no one would describe me as hard if they heard me. Theres no sanctuary anymore. I used to feel safe to tell her everything every time I felt hurt or wronged. Always felt like she was on my side. Never felt like I was reducing my own value but now I do, all the time. I have no one to talk to because being openness is an attack and silence is isolation. I want to be open and vulnerable with someone I trust but hearing how she describes him how others describe him how she describes herself her indifference to anything from me these days. I'm always taking damage. You know, that's a good way to phrase it. Like a game. Taking environmental or incidental damage and occasionally coming across someone who reminds me that I'm damaged. No one needs to attack because I'm either thinking about it or something else. But it doesnt really stop. I just want to think about something else. Hoping, wishing, it all feels so pathetic and weak now. Feeling embarrassed makes it more embarrassing. I want to go back to the old world, before violence seemed to be everything.