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Discipline Over Fear
May 27, 2022
Showering while deciding to make this phone call. Made me resentful. about how my friend characterized me choosing to be unhappy, unproductive, how my mental diagnosis is just from a broken system when I can just make a choice not to feel this way. Labeling these certain tasks Discipline and fitting them into my day is really really fucking hard. Being unable to discuss it with her is fucking harder. It makes me feel cold, empty, nauseous. Not having a friend who hypes me up, who treats it like an accomplishment for overcoming that bullshit to make this small step makes the small steps harder. Comparing myself to other people in her life makes it harder. i think of her bf's career and the other people around her and the whole thing she was trying to snap me out of is more severe than ever because managing a work situation messed me up really bad. When it felt like she respected me, when she didnt make me feel beneath those other people, she gave me strength to do these things but I guess these things aren't impressive enough to bother with anymore. I'm supposed to be past making a phone call and have a six figure job or something. She makes me feel so fucking pathetic whereas a few weeks ago she made everything like this manageable. But it's not enough. I'll get through this nothing task and try to focus on the reward of completing it and seeing that it isn't that bad, and I'll tell myself I did great because it doesn't matter to her. Maybe when I go through enough hell on my own I can talk to her about how much I've done if I live through the demoralization and bleak isolation.