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May 25, 2022
Feeling kind of nauseous and stressed out because my friend oriented things in a way that made me feel less close to her and less comfortable with the prospect of growing older with her as my friend because I don't think she really sees me the way I'd like to be seen. Like I kind of figure even if I don't have anyone romantic, if she's around it's kind of okay, or if I don't have kids even though I'd like to, being close with someone like her makes it kind of bearable to face being older and not figuring it all out. But the last times she interacted, all that sort of comfort was destroyed and she just became about me fixing the issues and in the process I felt embarrassed, like any equal standing to her was gone, like we are not going to stand together in anything because she already stands with the people in her life, and that I need to figure out my own because this friend isn't going to be there while things are just hard, she's going to insist I fix them, and if I don't fix it fast enough and if I struggle every day, she isn't going to notice the progress and it won't matter to her when I make these small breakthroughs that I measure success by. I realized recently I started feeling kind of cold after I wanted to be in pigspace and she put me in pig purgatory, and then more recently she said I was making her uncomfortable with my creepiness, so now I'm more bummed that I'm not getting that kind of attention anymore because I wanted that kind of attention too much. I like paypigging to someone who actually cares about me instead of some twitch chick but yeah. I'm not going to bring up anything like that anymore until she uses the magic invocations, which I expect to be never and I am sad about it. Sad about that and hearing how pathetic I sound from her perspective and how separate I feel from the life she's building, and how I'm looking at getting older with no one else because she doesn't think it's good to be comfort in this hellworld.

Was listening to a Louis Rossmann video about helping addicts and generally troubled people. He talked about how people are hands off until they hit rock bottom and rock bottom for them might be when they're dead. Maybe she thinks she'd helping me from hitting rock bottom but I just feel like she accelerated it. Like the point is to make the situation so unbearable by not being the source of comfort when everything else is difficult. I don't know if I die at rock bottom but at least it would mean I'm right that she shouldn't have done that.

Been thinking in general about taking something away from someone who feels like they need it. I keep repeating this idea in my head, of helping a homeless junkie by taking away his dog because the dog made him feel like things were okay, like the world isn't just something to hide from, like he'll take on the world once you take away that dog and it becomes so cold at night and the future looks so empty without the dog that he has to make his future instead. Feel like my therapy animal was revoked and now I'm just cold.