May 20, 2022
Work has gotten so oppressive that even the four days I have off-because they fired me for two-are plagued. I feel anxiety and hate that I can't shake. Like nothing seems to help. I hate seeing pictures of the workplace. I never like looking at workplaces, but I could appreciate if something pretty happened there, and I'd take a photo. Now I hate it. A deep hatred. I hate everything about it. I hate looking at it and thinking about it. It doesn't matter what is in the photo. It all makes me so fucking angry. I don't want to go there and wish I could get paid to quit and find work elsewhere. It makes me so sick and angry and just like no pathway out of it. Wish I could just cash out now. The place makes me so sick it makes me sick to be attached to it. I feel like it's just riding my back and touching my clothes and face against my will. Making me feel sick and dirty and rotting. I keep trying to manage it with chemicals but it's made me so frantic and anxious that I'm like running around a tiny maze, trying to find an exit. back and forth back and forth. want to get out of here. dont want to just float in fear
Second attempt at joining the union. I dont want to, but I think it might just be part of the process to optimize the results in my favor. no fucking response the first time. The prior time I got in contact with me they told me how great vaccination is and shared their pronouns. get fucked.
I began reading The Three-Body Problem yesterday. Between a cemetery and a Chinese cemetery. bff suggested it. Bought the hardcover Want to be closer to her. Don't feel like she wants the same.
Picked up boxes so I can ship her gifts. I'm waiting for something else to come in but I'll probably ship soon. Been putting it off because I really want to be super connected and invested in her when she gets the stuff so I can really get a huge rush of dopamine when she opens her gifts. A lot of times I feel cold or like she's indifferent to me so I need to time my gifts to arrive when I feel decent so I can get high when she opens them.
Vague hello message from an East Bay number. Also a missed video call from the last chick I was intimate with. That was a while ago now. She said the call wasn't a mistake, then later said it was. But she used two platforms to contact me unless it was just a coincidence vague text from an unknown number in the same time window as the video call. Makes me wonder if she constantly lied, fucked around on me. I always believe women when they're close because I cant believe that someone can care about me and lie like that. But she lied, or backpedaled, because she can't even let me have a little ego boost, that someone I fucked is thinking about me even as I feel like nothing and nobody from my eight hour hell days and the relentless self-battering of comparing myself to things bff likes, forgetting everything good she's ever said about or the things she's done for me.
I typically listen to AJones only on my days off. It's too upsetting. He provides a vision of the future that makes a day like this, at Fort Funston, seem like an impossibly distant memory: clear skies, decent amount of sunlight, a cool breeze, ocean beneath, sitting in car with air conditioner running, rolled up in the front seat like I'm smaller than I am. The vision he provides is so nightmarish it seems impossibly distant, too, but when you pay too much attention, and correlate it with the seemingly limitless depths of malice in the establishment, you begin to feel like you're not where you are anymore, that where you are is impossibly distant, that you've lived through the nightmare and you're experiencing the pain of that future while eating chicken wings on a quiet cool day. This vision combines with what my bff's told me, about parallel worlds, about a parallel world closer to my location than hers, where everything has died. I don't ever think friends lie, or mislead, so I just have to have faith that she wouldn't trick me. Also have to have faith that she wouldn't trick herself. That part is harder. I don't know what's real. I don't know how her mind operates. I can't prove any of it, so it makes me feel more distant from her, like there's another place with people who matter more to her, and the idea latches on to the ajones depiction of the nightmare future. Open-air human torture and mass death, no more hiding it, basically serial killer shit on a mass scale, codified and corporatized. No more drive-through and friendly hispanic lady at the end of the day. So those two things combine. So not only do I feel more alienated, I feel like it's all really bad now, or heading there, and when someone is kind, I see the potential for them to be hurt by some version of apocalypse that I'm experiencing constantly on some level, in the background.
When I picked up my bff's boxes, the post office worker manning the counter offered a bunch of help. Was really nice. Told him I was shipping some clothes, not really sure of the weight. So he took my sweatshirt and weighed that. Need to provide good feedback about him, so I don't only make noise when things are bad.