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May 13, 2022
i keep telling myself not to assume the worst so that i dont make myself suffer as if things are as bad as i assume. was nice to hear from friend today but she doesnt check on me anymore. hopefully temporarily. feels like talking to a copy of her not her. then she had no response when i just sent a big text block about miscellaneous things and it made me really sad and i deleted it because it feels so pathetic and lonely to send huge amounts of text and be met with apparent indifference. maybe its not good to write about because the more i type the more out of control and stressed i feel. the more i feel like that. the less in touch she is with me, the more painful and stressful work becomes. i hate it so much. i hate it. i feel so trapped and empty. i need a close friend because i've built nothing for myself. without her i just dread work every day because i don't have more. it was tolerable and now it's like taking over my body incapacitating me. making me feel like i'm just in a void spiraling down further. i dont think people understand what its like to be in a shitty position like this. it was just hard to keep my head up before and keep from being too depressed about the monotony. on top of that existential listlessness, being treated like i'm trying to cheat them out of that by taking a break too long or early, or to be followed around and stalked and to always be met with an unspoken, almost spoken, rage and disgust when i do anything, when I ask about reordering supplies, when I mention that my boots are falling apart and collecting water, it's become so awful. and i think people like that dont realize that people like me feel as badly as they would in my position, but i dont think they really see me as a person who feels anything. if i deal with maggots and weeks old dog shit, it's just "all good" to them as long as i get increasingly more in line. it's not all good to me.

two shifts ago i felt so worthless and unappreciated. like my work means nothing to anyone. i talk to myself a lot and i think i talked to myself about what i said here, how it was just about getting through the day and i like making things nice for people and that's pretty much what drives me to participate at all beyond paying bills. One of the clients mentioned not wanting to use this room because it was dirty, and it made me want to clean it. I hate the idea of working for free but nothing else that day was worth the pay. So even though it was near the end of the shift I did something I usually do early because it takes a while, hosed everything down and tried to make it presentable to her. Just out of pride and wanting to do something for someone who seems friendly, not the shitheads who constantly give me shit about not doing enough. I don't think she even ended up using it, but she flagged me down the next day. She had cookies for me. That was nice. "because you work hard". I dont think it was a response to anything I did the prior day. Was just like a sort of return for doing something for someone and not asking for anything.