I miss drawing
May 13, 2022
Been going through a lot of images from a year ago because I discovered a substantial pocket of content that isn't being offloaded when clouded. It bothers me that year-old things feel so new. Partially all the government manufactured discord and scarcity has made everything feel like a weird temporary mind game that you just kind of blank out through. Partially I just dont know how to get out of this place, and now looks a lot like a year before now.
I'm in the place where I normally draw. Didnt realize a year had already passed since I started drawing again. I just wanted to try getting good at something. Eventually it just became one drawing. Wingman - Double Bypass weapon skin from Apex Legends. I think I might have done it last week. But most weeks I just end up deleting the recurring calendar event because I get to the outdoors drawing spot too late. And I don't know how to draw in that room or do much in general.
I guess I should clarify that I started to be concerned for my friend after not hearing from her for a day. So I'm not totally self-centered. But I've shut down again. I was open with her for what felt like a month to three months. That was nice. Felt like a real evolution. I hated how in our past conversations I'd talk past her. But maybe she's sick of me because I talk too directly now. Saying stupid things. Being too defensive. Being too appreciative of her role in my life and her importance to me. Opening up like that has downsides. I think the worst for me has been the feeling of her not giving a fuck when things are getting really hard. The person she was a year ago spoke to me differently. Like she was really there even if I wasn't. Now it's like she wouldn't register if she got a text from my phone saying I was run over by a bus. She said there's some astrology stuff predicting some big change for her this year. And since I'd suddenly become so invested I was fearful she'd abandon me. She asked why I always gotta take it there. Always assume I'll lose something anytime things change. And she doesn't do things like that. Hope she was right. Because at this point it seems more logical than hysterical to feel like i have to get used to being irrelevant to her, to being a brief conversation in the middle of the day when she finds a funny twitter link, before she goes back to her life of things she cares about, and leaving me in the ground, a groundfrog.
So I opened up but I've closed again. Asking her about her life doesn't matter to her, and my life doesn't matter to her. I mean I feel like it doesn't matter to her. Should say "I feel like" until the point if and when it becomes totally ludicrous to suggest that we are still friends. I shouldn't accept it in the meantime, because it's very painful to accept, and if I'm wrong as I've seemingly been, I'll feel stupid and exhausted by the energy I wasted on thinking she's mentally disposed of me.
Anyway hope we can be close again. She has been very important to me and I came to recognize that more and more. And as I recognize it more it feels like I lost more.