May 11, 2022
I think I'm going to secure my dairy for a while. I want to write about my friend without questioning whether or not my view of things disgusts her, makes her see me as weak or pathetic, or makes her just stop caring because caring is too much work for her when she can read my thoughts. I figure if things get better, she'll like reading it later as a way to help me out without triggering a disgust reflex, and if things don't get better, she won't care by then and won't open it whether it's locked or not, so it can reopen then, to be seen by no one.
Yesterday was painful in terms of work. Today was acutely painful near the end of my shift because my weekend is approaching which normally makes me hyped, and I think a big part of that hype is looking forward to talking to her, more and more lately, but she's mostly gone and I don't know if she'll come back, and I don't feel like it matters to her. "I feel" is such a gay way to write, but I also don't want to write in a definitive way about things I don't want to happen. I don't want to make bad things come true.
I don't know if I drained her ability to be present by overreacting too much. It would be understandable. But she also seems indifferent as to whether I understand or not. Like it just doesn't matter. And she doesnt seem to care about what is happening to me. It sounds pathetic, but I just figure its a good way to get info from her specifically when I asked if she dislikes me now. I don't think she would evade that or get mad about it, as long as it was straightforward. No. Okay good. So I asked whats going on does she want to talk about what she's going through because it would help me not be presumptuous and maybe I can make myself useful by helping her. No response. Nothing that matters to me, nothing that makes me upset, seems to matter to her now. I don't feel like I register as a friend or anything personal to her now. Like asking a pet snake for a hug. The snake isn't here for me. And in the negative space I fill in all the meaningful things to her. I assume she's hugging someone, I assume she's there for someone, that she cares about something. I just feel like any meaning she attached to our friendship floated away like a balloon. Now I'm empty in place, without an animating spirit. I once told her that when I would despair over growing older, especially if I don't have kids, I'd look to my friend who used to live around here, and find comfort in the belief that we would be friends as we aged. But he left. I think my perviness and unfiltered speech just turned his fat girlfriend off so much that he peaced out. I was too much for him to grow old alongside. Our friendship was too little to make that important to him. My friend, the one I feel newly detached from, she said that sounded sad, or upsetting, or tragic, or something. I feel similarly with her now. Like no matter how sad that is, it's not sad enough for her to avoid repeating it. Maybe I just have so many blind spots I can't understand how much I fucked with her in an unintentional way that made her emotionally shut down. Maybe I underestimate how much I matter to her, that she wouldn't repeat that situation with me. Maybe she's stopped caring, and anything personal with me is not good or bad to her. It doesn't seem like it's anything. I feel like if a really horrible thing could happen to me, and it wouldn't register as an event. I have to try prevent horrible things from happening to me. I can't give in to evil.
She's said she sometimes forgets to respond to messages or thinks she already did, but it seems like she would see if that was the case with a message that just sat there for six hours. I trust her all the time, and if she turned out to be bullshitting me it would deeply fuck with me. But things like that don't make sense to me. So hopefully that's because shes an unusual person, not because she has a trait like so many others who I trusted substantially less. I thought she dumped me before, and things turned out better after that. Kind of hard to tell what to do with cold stark indifference. I guess you do nothing with it.
some messages I thought about a lot was, when she was around less, was this series of messages about how she had to do some things and they really mattered to her. and she thought about me when she wasn't actively talking to me, that she doesnt forget about me, that i dont stop existing to her. I dont really feel like I can use those messages anymore. I dont think it would bother her that I don't. The thing she was focusing on then doesn't matter to her anymore, and it feels like I don't, either. And if it's imagined, I don't want to manifest it by pressing too much or spilling it all to her, so I think it's better if I don't share it now. Either it's accurate or presumptuous and overreactive, and if it's the latter, I think it's better left to die in a locked dairy, while everything better grows past it, so that this turmoil is dwarfed by all the good stuff by the time the dairy is open. Hopefully what's causing me pain right now is a temporary response to what she's experiencing.
I'll try patience.
Going to prepare oatmeal and get horny.