May 09, 2022
every aspect of my life is disgusting, totally invisible, therefore meaningless to everybody who made it this way or just happens to be near it
got so angry at work. overfilled trash can. this fucking shithead angry that in not going all his shitty tasks. and when i try the basics never get done. so i can just forego all the basics, for this fucking borderline personality psycho. or have him be marginally angrier. so i'm trying to hey the trash changed because i know if i dont no one will. its been weeks since this one was changed. its so full of shit and rancid spilled drinks. maggots and flies. and its windy out so the trash is sometimes escaping. hitting my clothes. hitting my vehicle almost hitting the box i use to keep nice familiar safe things in. everything potentially contaminated. i became so aggravated so angry i threw some things just so mad. and i'm running out of time to take my breaks in time but now i'm in the middle of this shit and i can't just abandon. changing my clothes hiding out the trash. maggots and flies and dog shit.
my bedroom is full of dust from a source i can never seem to find. ants everywhere. they seem to be gone and then i see them again. sometimes they're not real. sometimes they're real. i always feel disgusting and i feel like i cant breathe
my mom ordered more food. its rarely something i can just pick up and leave with. it always becomes more. this time she needs her diapers inside. needs me to move things as my bedtime approaches and everything takes so long. i have to wash my hands every time i touch something in that house. i said id only want it if it wasn't around the flies. so she put it in the oven but its too big so the ovens open. and theres spilled dressing on the box and small flies circling everything and then i realize theres a lake of dead flies in the dressing on top of the cardboard box. i pull the box out and dont know if any flies got inside. are trying to find places that are safe to balance it. i tried hanging out with the puppy that's too young for her to own. but i had to ignore it after a while. trying to balance this box. so the puppy adds time, the flies add time, the garbage adds time, the amount of times i have to wash my hands adds time and my clothes are totally soaked because i cant touch anything so every time i touch something i have to wash my hands and every time i wash my hands i have to wipe them on my clothes. try balancing the box in the front hall. but there are large flies there. drawn to death and shit. cant be near the small flies. nowhere to balance outside. ended up using the other side of the kitchen balanced on top of a box with a big open bag of dog food inside. every time i move between kitchen and and front do house it feels like my insides are being wrapped in sickness. the smell from the rats. vaguely sick. less prominent than before. just a fog of sickness. feeling like i swallowed something dead. i opened foil, found garlic bred, looked good, then saw a fly hopping around the inside of the foil and put it away. expensive new food given to flies.
and its just inappropriate. so needlessly rude for no reason when i snap when she calls and demands her boxes when my hands are wet from washing them again. and then i have to wash them again. maybe i'll be nicer next time im being tortured.
no one knows this hell i'm in. been in. i've been in. and if they could see it would just be inconsequential it would just be a question of why do i let it be like that. whats wrong with me. why dont i just do this is or be this or be somewhere someone else. they harangue me for adding my sweatshirt or shorts to my laundry. or stalk around trying to find when i try treating work more like a home because i have no peace or cleanliness anywhere. write me an e-mail saying it is inappropriate to use the facilities at this time or whatever. because i'd stay after to fold my clothes at the end of each week. to have a place where there aren't people hovering over me or dust or rats or flies. two managers from across departments. gossiping about me complaining about me. finding ways to make my life less good. less comfortable. less privileged less fun too much friends have it too easy dont i better fuck that up. better try to take any sort of contentment i can find. in folded clothes. in cleaned anything. in silence among folded clothes at the end of the day in a room alone with dexter playing on my phone like a private screening. cant add my clothes to my wash even though they do it on their own. cant let someone like me take advantage and make things comfortable while cleaning everything so that its better than how i left it. i just need to be stopped. cant be allowed to experience anything like a home, peace, order, clean