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April 19, 2022

found a debit card kind of want to steal all their money but probably just going to put it in the list and found

Feel dissociated from friend feel like
everything I liked from a few days ago is gone
Not sure if delusional on other days or now
like a switch was flipped and all the world's flowers wilted
didnt know if i should have been bothered she didnt say good job on fixing that thing (after i fixed a thing) or if its good that she didnt because it means im doing fully featured enough that fixing something isn't impressive to other people.
regardless it was kind of a big deal to me because i've historically just let things stay broken and told an adult about it. but i found the tools and fixed it. and i just compared myself to her mate who fixes things all the time. for money
and then it was like this subconscious battle where one side could see me slipping and was frantically thing to tell me how i'm skewing things against me or in a way about her that isn't accurate. but it was like a plummet and i felt a despair over my whole body and i felt angry about everything and i felt angry that when i brought up the things i was feeling about alienation or insecurities and she kept bringing it back to there things about her life that made me feel more irrelevant. like everything consequential or valuable was totally divorced from me. so i kept plummeting and feeling this total darkness wrap around me
and i didnt bother explaining because i tried explaining the day before and it didnt seem to matter to her like it has in the past
and shes dealing with her own things big things
tried to be supportive of her with regards to her problems but i think my help or affection or isn't wanted or needed. so i think i cant help her or be helped. i want to feel useful so much. want to feel like reliable but i'm nothing.
all my issues eventually seem too big and persistent to get help with after a certain point
my mom turned cold one day
chicks i liked got sick of it
i have this persistent need to be helped and the more honest i am the more i lose
feel very nauseous and gross
think im having a bad lactose response now that i think about it this sucks. i tried having whole milk more
i started an ssri so hopefully doesnt make me a psycho. the despair i'm feeling doesnt seem related because its brand new and very low dosage. hope it doesnt get worse
i feel like a different person feel like shes a different person tried being open and sharing pics and after not hearing from a while i wanted to shut down again completely. like i have nothing in common with the person talking to her and being excited about having a friend. and i dont feel welcomed as that person anyway
i think i can be taken or left
think i want to feel affection when everything feels like shit