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February 28, 2022
I think about my pit bull a lot

I regretted never taking my husky out after he passed. I kind of made up for that with the younger pit bull. But I feel like there's so much more to regret now.

I would daydream about seeing him later in the day while entering the logs at work, and I still feel like I can see him when I do it now. Like I had something to take care of, something to look forward to.

I took a nap last night so I could make progress in Apex later than usual, and in my sleep, I thought he was still here, and I woke up to this unbearable feeling.

Driving past the exit that leads to my mom's house, and instinctually imagining myself walking him as the sun sets and everything becomes golden. And I don't visit my mom as much and i feel like I'm doing so much wrong. And I'm so angry that this world was dark by the time I'd visit him at the end of the day.

I wish there was more. For him. To exist and be in peace on some level. When I was young, a woman evangelized to me on a plane in a way that seemed predatory. But I kind of get it. The world was seemingly going to Hell back then, and I was one of many millions who was bringing us there, and now it's gone to Hell even though the ones who make it so see it the least, and that doesn't mean it can't go further down.

But she said animals don't have an afterlife, and I think that stuck with me and I still think about it. I hope she's wrong, but I don't even know if it's true for people. I wish for my pit bull to be alive on some level even if it's not here, to be able to see within my own spirit and understand my motivations and how I wanted to be better to him all the time. Even though I always fell short. I should have been more insistent on getting him seen for health issues, and been more patient and good to him. I knew that even at the time, but I let my own emotions turn me into an asshole. Too often. It still happens.

Have to get going to my job, I just hope he knows I tried in some way.