going between front room and kitchen. nauseating myself alternating between the vile rat piss cloud and the old standing water and rotting food smell from the sink

sucks wanting to get food because food tastes and smells good, and being hit with nausea and illness and stinging eyes and nostrils

i keep accidentally seeing pics of nice arses being fucked and they're so at odds with every horror around me in the moment. fucking anyone seems impossibly distant from this and i dont want it anywhere near this and i don't want to be from this

i look outside and don't see a cat
i completely forgot my mom had taken to dehydrating and starving a cat and its probably been two weeks since i've been here. the cat is crying out on a seat off to the side. i fill its water again and feed it. i practice lifting the cat by the scruff since i used to do that with my old grey cat and didnt know if i was just mean. wanted to find out if i was mean those years ago. but the cat seems ok with it as long as its quick
cat goes from crying to softly chirping