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no signal
March 23, 2022

🎶 First Wave by Øfdream

I don't like writing during work hours but I've thrown myself into a frenzy, so I figure it's probably better that I use my break to write before resuming this meaningless bullshit while enduring a prolonged frenzy.

Hearing from my bff after thinking I'd been abandoned inspired appreciation for how long she's stuck by me. I've lost contact with a lot of people without making new friends. I think I've probably lost more friends than most people while becoming increasingly isolated. I regretted a lot of my past interactions with her. So I tried showing more appreciation, checking in on her more, getting her presents. She got me presents in the past too, so I didnt think it was like trying to buy a chick's affection with the risk of making her realize you're easy and therefore not worthy of respect.

But she's so busy now that it feels like that anyway. Has to deal with all these huge issues or she'll be in really bad shape. Which I can't hold against anyone but it does make me feel unimportant, unnecessary. Referred to her time chatting in the past as being opposed to her personal improvement, which makes me feel in the way of her ideal life, or even a marginally better life. She said she doesn't forget I exist when she's away, which made me feel valued. I held onto that sentiment for about a day because it helped me feel like I'm not alone. She said it's not permanent, which helped. But I'm back to being abandoned in an imagined future wasteland where I'm alone.

I don't think shes tricking or betraying me in some way but I envision things happening like this:

  • Life starts to improve
  • She gets used to not talking to me
  • Projects end up requiring more attention and time once things stabilize and I don't seem to exist anymore
  • Business relationships develop
  • Social network develops
  • Maybe she finds a new relationship and that person fills whatever void I left, on top of resolving her other relationship issues
  • If she ever thinks of me, bff feels negatively
  • bff becomes bfu2022, the end of the world has come
  • So maybe she's right that its not permanent, but thats just because it changes, not that she comes back.
    I wish I could be okay with not knowing for sure in the meantime instead of living with the feeling of despair that comes with what I see as inevitabilities, whether they are or are not.

    When I thought she dumped me, I compared her to the last chick who dumped me for real. I shouldn't have compared them, but it feels very similar to that ending and others. Less contact because something big is always going on, unable to reach phone most of the time, when I think they're back and I get comfortable enough to talk more, they'll disappear mid-conversation, maybe returning for a couple messages that night or the next day. And I have no leverage, nothing to revoke that means anything to them because they've taken everything out of me, so I'm just humiliated. Previously it was accompanied by some white lies, followed by a trailing off, leaving me to make first contact every time so that when we stop talking it's because I just started ignoring them, they were doing their part, and they don't have to look too mean.

    I think this sad spiral was all started by seeing that I marked today as New Hair Day on my calendar last week because I wanted to see her hairstyle. But when I added that to my calendar, I was excited for everything around her and anticipated hearing from her every morning. I don't feel that way now. I didn't realize I was already losing things when I put it on my calendar. And when she gets her hair done, it'll be for seeing actual people, which just underscores that her free time isn't going to be spent talking to me.

    I wonder if my negative spirals, of invasive thoughts and asking too many questions, or maybe my positive moods, where I'd tell her it's nice to hear from her and find stupid presents for her, all contributed to her being around less. Like ok you have all this stuff to do, important stuff, that'd all real and you haven't tricked me, but maybe there's a ten minute block where you could have talked to me but chose to talk to someone else, because of how in the way and unnecessary I am.

    I'd like to proofread this more but I think I've spent the better part of an hour on a fifteen minute break and I'm always nervous here.