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The days are as tedious as before with nothing to look forward to
January 31, 2022
Didn't expect someone I consider my closest friend to ditch me. It's the usual feeling of uncertainty and anxiety and misery that destroys every moment of my day until it starts to decay after many weeks or months. It feels worse to have it happen with someone I'd have shared all my e-mail and banking passwords with because I trusted her never to do anything like that. I don't really have my own family I've made or anything like that. She was the closest thing I had to feeling comfortable and honest. I never feel like myself around other people; I'm always obscuring or deflecting. Because I expect other people to humiliate or abandon me. Not this person. But it ends the same way. I was trying to communicate more but it just made everything worse than I thought it could and I'm left with no friends. I wish I could just feel nothing now because there's no point in being upset by something I can't understand anyway. I want to forget how it feels and never feel it again. I don't think I'll ever have a home or someone who makes me feel like I'm home. Especially now that everything has died or turned to shit. I just want to enjoy what I have instead of constantly thinking about what I've lost and wondering who will come back (no one does).