January 30, 2022
Went into work today feeling like a mentally disabled grocery store bagger.
Took 1/4 of my Rx just to see if it would help.
I dont know how I'd start having withdrawals so early but maybe a very bad mental state and miserable day just have a mitigating pill now that I didn't have before.
Don't think my friend wants to talk to me anymore. I think I always lose people after a dog dies because I'm too much to deal with when I'm not dealing.
There's a new Voltorb in Pokémon Go that looks very cool. Big fan of this design.
Tried focusing last night without meds and literally kept falling asleep and dreaming. Didn't feel that way beforehand. Think that sort of thing contributes to why I always agonize about sleep and feel like I can never get enough. once i try doing anything i crumble. hence feeling disabled. i'm embarrassed to work this job but i think my problems probably make it so trying to do anything is so much more difficult than average. so i end up superficially looking the same as other people, but am at these jobs for retards in this embarrassing way
at sfsu i kind of accepted things are hard and i should just do my best. now i try doing things but i see why i defaulted to playing video games rather than ever trying to build something related to video games. why i danced but didnt make music. it seems so hard to do anything at all. and it doesn't seem like banging my head against the wall enough times makes it easier or creates a path to realizing my goals.
Nice surprise after buying new shorts and sweatpants yesternight. Found my lost shorts in my jacket sleeve. So buying new ones was the right decision regardless because now I have a shorts surplus instead of just one short.
Discovered a PC case I actually like. Digital Storm
About to get my stuff out of dryer, put the new stuff on cold good to have washer to exploit
11:55 I was kind of paranoid that management could monitor me when I was using my key to unlock the bathrooms but figured it'd probably fine especially since I only skip the bathrooms when I don't have time, but should have known better since manager is a confirmed spy and snitch and called the cops just because someone from an adjacent department happened to have a pipe in her car. So since he did his citizen journalist thing of confronting me about how I cleaned the rooms too late or skipped them, I just unlock them when I pass by, even if I'm not checking them at the moment, so I won't be given shit. I did that today because the light was on all morning, suggesting it's occupied. So I'm just better at covering my tracks now.
15:18 Had to make myself smile at a masked child yesterday. He and his nanny were masked up. Just because I don't want the kids to be totally disabled by not seeing any faces during their development. I don't like to look at kids even though I love kids. Don't want to be accused of something.
15:23 I don't know if I can ever be in a relationship or have kids. I feel too dysfunctional and subnormal to share my life with anyone. If that's the case it would be nice if it didn't bother me, just to be super into consumerism instead of worrying about getting the things I think I need. I feel like one of those disabled adults in purple sweatpants who just gets really good at Sonic the Hedgehogs or something. Except I can feel the absence and need.
16:40 I think if i'm as disabled as I feel or if it's just such a big problem that I'm not just making it up, I should just try to be glad to have income and try to find ways to carve pathways through these problems so I can potentially hold more lucrative positions eventually. As opposed to just feeling like a failure for not doing something awesome.